< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

An American guy visited a rural area in an Asian country and met a girl at a party. They enjoyed talking and he asked her to visit him in the capital of the country if she happened to go there. Three weeks later she actually visited him and during her visit he said, "I feel romantically about you," and held her in his arms and kissed her. On the third night he even asked her to sleep with him, which she turned down. After that they had exchanged e-mails for about four months. When she told him she loved him, his answer was "One of the problems I have had with so much travel between the U.S. and your country in recent years is that it has been difficult to develop a strong relationship. When I meet someone really nice, like yourself, I am so grateful for the experience. Yet, because of my travel, I know I cannot become serious about it until after a long period of time getting to know each other." He told he'd come to her country this March, but he couldn't seem to come. When the girl called him and told him that she'd like to visit him in US, he said it was crazy and asked if she was chasing a foreigner. It turned out that he thought she had visited him only to have some romantic nights with him and that he had entertained her. He told her that he liked her but wanted to find a girlfriend in his own country and had no intention to have a relationship with her.

This girl is me. I was attracted to him when I first met him, and fell in love with him after I visited him again and exchanged several e-mails. He seemed so joyful, open-minded, understanding and loving. I got hurt when I found out how he really felt. Sometimes I think he is flirtatious and deceitful. Sometimes I wonder if I am so naive that I cannot see his perspective and therefore find it difficult to believe that he is a nice person. (I am 31, he is 40.) To me what he did seems very bad, at the same time I'd like to believe he didn't mean anything bad. Sometimes I find myself still waiting for his e-mail -- I'm not sure if it's because I need to be convinced he's a trustworthy person or I still have some hope -- for I have difficulty in trusting him even as a friend. I'm not sure what I should feel and think about the whole thing. Please help me out.

-- N

Dear N.,

Oh, dear. Listen: your feelings, though conflicting, make total sense. You think he is deceitful because you feel that you were led to believe that he, too, might fall in love. Yet you excuse/forgive him because, well, if he's bad, then you look bad. It's more important to allow for and honor your own feelings than it is to try to decipher his.

What I believe is this: what he did with you in your country was, well, human and hormonal. What he said when you called was not very nice at all. My advice: muster the will and sturdy sense of self (the same will and sturdy sense of self, perhaps, that kept you from sleeping with him) to not bother even with an e-friendship. Because I doubt he is forthcoming with one. So instead of checking your in-box, keep going to parties: one of these nights, there'll be a guy there who's looking for a girlfriend in his own country. That country is yours; that girl is you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >