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Dear Breakup Girl,

I started dating my boyfriend two years ago. He was the first and only guy I dated after a messy divorce that left me alone, broke, and the only love and support to my two children. Even though he is five years younger than me (he was 26, I was 31 when we met) I thought he was mature, assertive, capable and smart. A total opposite to my ex-husband that was immature, unemployed, financially unreliable and acted like a 13 year old trying to cut his apron strings from his mother. A year went by with my boyfriend and I thought life was pretty good. We didn't live together, but spent a lot of nights full of great sex, mixed with good conversation and lots of things in common. Then one day, my boyfriend took a new job and our life totally changed. His boss told him that he couldn't see my boyfriend dating a woman with two kids...it just didn't fit the kind of guy he thought my boyfriend was. That's when my boyfriend refused to let me meet any of his work friends, refused to invite me along when they went out dancing or having fun, telling me he didn't want his boss to think bad things about me. He then confessed he didn't want his friends to get to know me because they might like me better than they liked him. I broke it off with him four different times, only to have him come back to me telling me he couldn't live without me, could only think about me and my kids, wanted us to be together, that he'd get counseling...basically that he'd stop the double life he'd been living. It kept up, until the only time he'd come around was when he wanted sex. Finally, he told me he'd found someone else he wanted to date. Eight weeks later he had the sadistic sense to e-mail me telling me they were engaged and getting married in September. This is where I flipped out...Instead of counting my lucky stars that this lunatic, borderline personality ridden, lying, cheating con-artist was out of my life...I got boiling mad and vowed to make him pay. I sent him hateful e-mail, I harrassed his parents (they agree he's making a mistake with the new girl, and we all agree that ending our relationship was a good thing). Now I feel it spinning out of control. Even though I hate him with every fiber in my soul, I drive by places I know he will be, I had a little vandalism spree with his car, and I plot my revenge little chunks at a time so I feel comfortable that I can make him pay for his hateful, awful things he did (i.e...stood me up my birthday to go to happy hour with his work friends, locked my childrens' Christmas presents from Santa in his car while he stayed out at a stripclub until 3:30 AM on Christmas Day morning, stood me up on the night I was supposed to receive an award for hard work I put into a project..it goes on and on) I know this is stalking behavior, and I have started talking to a counselor about it, but I feel like sometimes I am having an out-of-body experience and I can't stop myself from this kind of behavior. I know it's bad, and I want to stop...I just can't let go of the anger and I want him to pay for what he has done to me. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS AND STOP THIS BEHAVIOR THAT IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE MY NORMAL CHARACTER!!!

Please help me.

-- Angry

Dear Angry,

Here's a concept that may or may not have come up with your counselor: that of getting "even." Even. As in "equal," "level," etc.

Why would you want to be "even" with a scoundrel?

Unless you think that's what you deserve for dating one.

Don't think for a second that your inner stalker is punishing Mr. Anti-Santa. You'll stop making your "normal character" pay when you forgive your debt to yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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