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Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I am in the wierdest situation in my entire life -- and the saddest. I met a woman many years ago, but was caught in a classic love triangle in which the cards I was then dealt ended up making me the second fiddle in the triangle. Second is no fun let me tell you. Especially when it comes to love. I thought I knew at the time what I was getting myself into but when is there ever any rhyme or reason to affairs of the heart? (I still try to keep the faith there is!)

But anyway, perhaps I'm looking for a shoulder to cry on. Or what not. You see, at the time, I felt I did everything I could possible do to be this woman's friend, who needless to say, for whatever unknown reason, I liked very much. I did this without encroaching on her then burgeoning romance with the other man (the third angle in the triangle) and expressed only a desire to remain her friend. I was limited only to seeing her at her place of work -- since she made it clear to me at the time that any where else would be off limits and inappropriate given the situation. But given that limitation, I visited her at her work once or twice a week, and struck up a friendship that at least for me was very meaningful and it appeared as if it were meaningful to her -- that is, it seemed that she did harbour feelings toward me, despite the fact she was involved with another man. The friendship lasted for about 6 months, in which at one point I had told her I was thinking of stopping my visits for good because I knew that's the way it would remain.

But she told me she wanted me to stay, and didn't mind my visits. So I did. I gave her gifts then that she kept and liked. I gave her a childhood photograph of me which she liked very much and kept. We talked sometimes about personal things -- so there was a weird kind of connection, but not a real relationship since there was always this other man. I was a sidekick. But unfortunately my feelings for her weren't. However, I was resigned to the fact I would not become her lover, and was happy that I would at least be able to remain her friend.

Well, so I thought. Apparently she had different plans. For she and the other man decided to take a trip to Paris, in which she was later to be engaged. I knew that this was coming and wanted to say goodbye -- because she had told me there was a good chance they would be staying in Europe for a while. I asked her to promise me to say good bye to me before they left and she did promise.

But she never kept that promise, and never did say good bye. She left for about a month, and when she returned, she never returned to where she had worked -- she had quit. I tried contacting herand she would not return my calls. I was heart-broken, and hurt because there had been no closure to our friendship and she refused to speak to me. I was hoping very much we could at least be friendsand was not even given that.

So. Anyway. Five years passed since that fateful time for me. I got on with my life and met other women. But I still thought about her. (Go figure.) I decided about two months ago to call her old residence and her sister answered! She told me where she was living and I was able to obtain her phone number and address. I was thrilled, and thought I would at least be willing to speak to her about the past.

But instead I have been met with only silence. I sent flowers and I sent gifts which weirdly she has kept, but without even thanking me. I have sent three letters asking her to write -- write anything, but nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I've finally gotten the message -- although I have to admit it has been a very cruel way to treat me on her part. She could at least send a note telling me she is not interested.

So, BG. My question to you is: How do you mend a broken heart?

-- John

Dear John,

Yes, second is tough. (So is third, when it comes to number of metaphors in one sentence, but that's neither here nor there.)

And anyway, yes. She could at least write you a note. You're right. But "cruel?" No. Not intentionally, anyway. Sometimes when people like you and don't want to hurt you, they think that not saying "...but I'm not going to date you, so you need to cease and desist with the visits and the childhood snapshots and the letters and the gifts ... especially after 5 years have passed" is kinder, kinder even than a "thanks, but no thanks" note.

And that, John, is what I think she thought/thinks, but has never said. I think you were politely -- even warmly -- received and welcomed, but what you had (brace yourself) may not even have been as much of a true friendship as you believed it to be.

I'm sure she's lovely, John. I'm sure there's plenty to love about her. I'm not saying your devotion to her is, like, totally fake. But I submit to you gently that the heart-mending method you might consider is this: when you meet other women, as you say you have, allow yourself to explore and enjoy what it feels like to have an Actual Relationship. I don't mean anything serious, necessarily; maybe not even anything romantic. I mean, at least something two-way, not one- (and certainly not three-). Where you visit her, and she visits you. Where she says, "Hey look, here's me the first time I saw the ocean." Where you're not holding out your heart toward someone who can't take it, and saying "HERE! HERE! HERE!" anyway. Maybe the problem isn't that your heart is broken; 'cause if there were some sort of fissure there, why, there'd be room to let someone in for real.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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