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SHOUT, SHOUT, LET IT ALL OUT

From Jennifer to Natalie, Belleruth, and BG:

Please tell Belleruth (and Natalie) to check out the following: Carla Golden's writings (some of which are in the widely available edited book "Lesbian Psychologies" and also the book "Boston Marriages," edited by E. Rothblum and K. Brehony. The latter contains stories of women who are intimate, committed partners but who are not sexual with each other. Some of them even maintain primary sexual relationships with men. Others share lives and homes...

Golden has one article which very nicely captures the range of women's bisexual- to-lesbian experinces and identities.

In another article, she theorizes that women are often socialized to feel guilty about expressing sexuality outside the context of a relationship. Therefore, she says that women can sometimes try to build a relationship out of sexual passion/infatuation. They may quickly move in together to legitimize the sexual relationship. Such a relationship isn't always based on other things such as friendship, shared interests, etc. The spark doesn't last that long, and then often the way it ends is when one person gets involved in an affair (sometimes repeating the pattern ad infinitum). Anyway, that's a synopsis, but Golden, a clinical psychologist, puts it much better and illustrates with case studies.

Not to underestimate Natalie's feelings for this man, but personally, I think it's more about what else is missing in her current relationship than her longing for this new guy. And not being out to others, but most especially to herself, doesn't help matters, either. You can call a rose a type of fish, but heterosexual women don't have 5 year live in sexual/romantic relationships with other women. There are lots of great resources on bisexuality, and Natalie may want to check those out too (Bi Any Other Name; Closer to Home, etc.).

From BG to C-Monster:

You know, I left something unsaid. This "married" guy is not having sex with ... well, anyone. Arguably, this may not be normal; it may point to a problem, psychological or physical. I recommend you look into this-- bring it up verbally, or physically. And recommend that he look into it. Before you change your life for him or encourage him to change his for you, you might want to find out whether that life will include a sex life. May or may not be a deal-breaker for you, but I'd say it's key data.

From Troubled Tara to BG:

I was wondering about chemistry and how to define it, and shared some evidence from my own failed relationship that it was clearly missing there. My ex boyfriend has gone off with his longtime friend and I imagine that they are living a fine life. I however, am still miserable.

Maybe I hoped that your letter would say to me that, hey, I deserved better in a relationship and didn't have to feel so helpless to change it. "Don't blame yourself," "He didn't put enough into it," or similar phrases. Instead, when I mentioned that he felt uncomfortable and that I didn't bring out the best in him, you tended to agree that he, at least, knew what defined chemistry and was on the right track there. I guess I'm just bitter that, even after taking the steps to write for advice, I end up looking like I deserved what I got. He's off with someone happy and doesn't have to suffer an unfulfilling relationship with me anymore. Am I supposed to jump for joy and cheerlead? It's taking me a long time to shake this, and I guess I'm wondering whether I need to talk to him, get an apology, or do something that will help me get over the hump. I just feel like I've been stewing over this a long time, and when I see him around (we attend meetings for an organization monthly), it seems like he's having a great time. I think this whole thing wrecked my self-esteem, but it ends up sounding from him, and from your reply, that my feelings about myself are maybe what chased him away. I guess I just hoped for more support or something, for someone to see where I'm coming from and why I'm hurting, and to help me see where and how I can move forward. I know, I know... I should pay a therapist for this sort of thing. I guess I just hate that they guy ends up sounding so well-adjusted and looking great after all is said and done. I guess I just wanted to give you feedback. Your replies have helped a lot of people, but I guess I hoped for a bit more. (Sounds like my past relationship!) Thanks.

BG responds: Oh, sweetie. I'm terribly sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I didn't mean that he was Right, I just meant that -- given the info I had -- the things he said were typical of people who are not feeling that mysterious action/reaction we call "chemistry." And I said, in caps even, that if that were the case, there is/was nothing you can do about i. Translation: DON'T BLAME YOURSELF (and hey, wait, after I went into that whole think about the even wackier magic of alchemy, I pretty much spelled your blamelessness in the beginning of the last paragraph). And of course you hate that he's all happy. That is not about you or what you could have done or what he did or didn't do: that is just plain sucky. Galling. "Not fair." Hard to swallow. It is. And oh, wait, I also said, well, not so much that you deserve better (since, other than the fact that he has not showed promise of loving you 'til the end of time, I have no evidence that he's a Bad Boyfriend in practice), but reassured you that you will find, well, gold. Symbolically speaking, anyway, it doesn't get much better that that. So my exhortation to you, sweetie, is: be willing enough to not blame yourself, willing enough to hear that you will find gold, that you hear/believe it when other people say so, too.

Also:

From Mo:

I had to write in response to Troubled Tara's letter this week. Though I have never understood the nature of chemistry, I can completely understand the ex's complaint that she "just didn't bring out the best in him." I've broken up with many a guy for just that reason. It's no one's fault--it's really just about the fact that different people bring out different aspects of our personalities. We all have aspects of our personalities that we like over all others, and we appreciate people who bring these out by sharing particular interests. I have an ex who thought that it was the coolest thing in the world that I was a lumberjill. Unfortunately, he was so caught up in this that he couldn't appreciate that working as a lumberjill was just a financial step towards reaching my true love and goal--to be a policy wonk. This caused friction because I felt that he was supporting my outside interests, but really wasn't interested in my true passions. As a result of this (and multiple other disfunctions that are beyond the scope of this letter), we went our separate ways. I am now happily involved with someone who, while he thinks being a lumberjill rocks, thinks that it is even cooler that I can stand in the back of town meetings quoting pertinent environmental statutes under my breath and who fully supports my end-all, be-all dreams. So, what I'm trying to say, Tara, is that you could have been the most supportive, wonderful girlfriend in the world, and he would have still gone in search of someone who shared his passions (just out of curiosity, is he one of those people who is driven to the point of franticness? This is a definite factor in my need to share my passions). The trick now is to find someone whose passions light your fire, genuinely excite you. Not only will this person be a constant source of invigorating, enlightening conversation, but they will also love/appreciate you all the more for sharing their passion for what may be one of the most important things in their life.

A VERY SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO EVERYONE

You know, I have to say that until last Thursday, Breakup Girl was looking at the Columbine thing with one eye open. When it happened, I took one look, noticed that the killers hadn't targeted "girls because they were girls," and said maybe it wasn't as much of a "Breakup Girl issue" as was Arkansas. What was I thinking? In a sense, what happened in Coloroado represents another facet of the very same issue. So thank goodness Michael Kimmel (one of BG's fave experts on masculinity and gender, by the way) opened both of my eyes when he wrote to the Times last week to say:

"Experts continue to seek the 'deeper truths' of school violence in the wake of the killings in Littleton, Colo., but they continue to miss what is right in front of them: these are not troubled 'teenagers,' 'youths,' or 'children,' but boys.

"Violence and aggression are the most intractable gender differences observed by social scientists. Men and boys are responsible for 95% of all violent crimes in the country. Among all young people, four times as many boys think fighting is appropriate when someone cuts in front of them in line.

"Moreover, nearly 90% of all homicides among boys aged 15 to 19 are firearm-related; 80% of the victims are boys. Unless we confront the lethal equation of 'masculinity' and violence, the deeper truths about school violence will elude us."

I hope I don't have to issue a "this is not 'blame the boys,' this is 'help the boys!" disclaimer -- as the latter has never not been my job. Thank goodness the Dr. Kimmels of the world are helping me do it right.

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