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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a woman. A heterosexual woman. But 5 years ago, I fell in love with a woman. For 5 years, I have loved her and cherished our relationship. I have been truly happy. or so I thought. About a year ago I really started to miss being sexually intimate with a man. Then about1 month ago, I started developing feelings for a man I work with. We have dated a couple of times. He doesn't know about my relationship with this woman; he just thinks she's my roommate. She doesn't know I've dated this guy; she just found out I have feelings for someone. So now that she knows I have these feelings, I have to make a choice. Do I stay in this relationship that fulfills me emotionally but not physically or sociologically (in other words, we are not "out" and that puts a lot of pressure on me in situations at work, etc.) OR should I take a huge chance and explore relationships with men and possibly lose the best thing that has ever, and may ever, happen to me?

Some background includes that I have very little experience with men (not because I am gay but because I just didn't have it); this has been my second long-term relationship (the first was for like a year in high school, not very mature).

Emotionally we are completely dependent. But how can I pass up exploring men?

Then again, the sex thing never lasts. The novelty wears off.

I am devastated.

-- Natalie

Dear Natalie,

First of all, you are neither alone nor weird. Look how many letters I get from 100% straight folks getting antsy and wondering if they should risk known for new.

That said, according to our very own professional Belleruth, "Yeah, this seems to happen a lot with lesbian relationships. I've checked it out with other therapists, including lesbian colleagues, and they all agree -- even though I've never seen anything written about it..."

She further observes: "The sexual heat often leaves the relationship early on, and what's left is more like the mutual dependence of a codependent family. Lots of mutual dependency, sometimes to a sticky extent, but no passion. Invariably one or both of the pair gets itchy for a little sexual passion, be it with a man or a woman, and that can lead to messiness -- either sneaking around or breakups and back togetherness, over and over.

"Often these relationships resolve themselves into lasting friendships, as each partner goes on to a new sexual relationship. That, I suppose, in the absence of any rekindling of passion in the relationship, is the best outcome. (The rekindling thing rarely seems to happen.... far less so than with hetero pairs, in fact. It seems that when the heat is gone, it's pretty gone... at least that's been my clinical observation, which, admittedly, ain't no random statistical sample.)

"But no matter who you are, the pain of separation is, of course, pretty intense.

"So, Natalie: What's your level of curiosity about this guy? Are you ready to have your lover leave you? Could you stand to just flirt with this guy, check out your responses, and stay within the rules of the relationship? What's your capacity for deception? What's your partner's sexual boredom level? (Perhaps she feels the same way?) Could you picture a lasting friendship with this woman, while each of you moves on to other relationships?"

We don't have the answers, Natalie, but those are the questions you're going to need to ask yourself. It's good that you've started.

Love,
BR and BG

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