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Dear Breakup Girl,

My guy is not very verbal when it comes to saying how he feels. We've been dating for over seven months now, and although things in general are going pretty good, I can't help but feel kind of frustrated sometimes. Maybe I got spoiled by my old bfs or something...but he doesn't seem to have too many positive things to say about me or us. Basically, we are always joking about things...which is fine, I love a great sense of humor, and I grew up with three brothers, so I have that sarcastic sense of humor, but jeez, sometimes it would be nice to hear, "You look cute today, or...I can't wait to see you", instead of a joke everytime.

I have mentioned this to him and he just says "You should know by now that I'm not that type of guy."

I don't think it's too much to ask, really. It's not like I need him to say something like that every day. Once a month would be nice. We don't talk about it (it being our relationship) too often, and although I'm confident he cares for me, he did mention last week that he didn't think we "talked" that much, and and a comment about how we "didn't have much in common" was made. I thought we *DID* have quite a few things in common...and said "What are you supposed to talk about?" He kinda took the common comment back but mentioned are "talking" or lack thereof. I mean come on, aren't those comfortable silences supposed to mean that your relationship is stronger? I'm not the type to blather on about little everyday things. I have the general feeling that you should talk when you have something meaningful to say. After he said that, I said, "well, what are you going out with me for?" He said, "I like hanging out with you."

Anyway, I think part of our problem is that we spend a lot of time together. We work together too, altough he *says* he's looking for a new job. I myself have an interview next week, so while it's not a huge factor because we work in different depts., I think it kind of adds kind of a "routine" atmosphere if you know what I mean.

What really set me off on this is that last night I gave him a ride home from work (he let his friend who is visiting borrow his car), and stopped in for a bit. He is going up to the mountains for a long weekend (4 days) with his buddies and I won't see him all weekend, and he just said "See Ya" from the couch and didn't walk me to the door or kiss me goodbye or anything. We discussed maybe getting together later that same night, but it being a "school nite" for me, I really didn't think I would go out...and I didn't. He did leave a msg for me on my machine, but I was a little hurt. He just doesn't think! Is this just a guy-type thing that I have to learn to accept? It's little incidents like this that kind of annoy me, and on top of our conversation last week, it kinda gives me the impression that I'm just there...I feel like he likes the aspect of having a girlfriend but not because it's ME (He hadn't dated anyone for longer than a month in nearly 8 years before we started dating). In other words...I don't feel particularly special....but I am! I just want him to think so too!

Other than that things are pretty good. We get along really well, and he is great about helping me out and buys me lunch and or dinner (I reciprocate too) and I know if I ever really needed him he would be there. He is truly a "nice guy"...but maybe just not as nice as he used to be. One time he came over and mowed my lawn for me without me asking a left a note from the "lawn fairy"...awwww, but when I mention the little things like that he used to do he'll say..."Oh, that was when I was still trying to woo you" and laugh.

It's just disappointing....many guys are SO nice at first...then everything becomes so complacent (this occurs sometime after getting into your pants)!

Any thoughts? Am I making too big of a deal? I'm leaving town for New Orleans on Tues and won't be back til next Sunday....he wanted to try to get together Monday nite when he gets back from his guy weekend. Should I not do it, so he will have a chance to miss me a little? I might be too busy with work trying to get everything done any way. I hate the game playing thing, and everyone says not to do it...but then again everyone says "Take care of yourself first!" I just feel like I make a lot of modifications in my schedule so I can spend time with him, and he could care less about mine if something comes up for him (okay, this is not always true...It was the See YA! thing that is making me feel this way). So while not trying to "play the game" I want to make sure that he can't take me for granted. Is this bad reasoning?

I think I'm doing a lot better in my relationships in general over the past years...but not too sure how to handle these incidents. I havent' said much about it to him because I don't want to seem like a clingy needy woman, because I'm not!!! I just want to find a partner to accompany me on my journeys. I'm fine with being on my own too, because I've already been thru a breakup with an ex-fiance (over a year and a half ago), and have learned so much from that about relationships and myself!

But having just turned 30 recently, I don't want to be "wasting my time" if you get my drift...Then again...there's a lot slimmer pickins out there than when I was in my early 20s...Is that stupid reasoning? I don't want to give up on a good guy, but then again, if he's not looking for any kind of commitment in the future (i.e. living together and/or marriage, ) maybe I should just chalk it up to us having different goals in life. Is it too much to ask to be loved (this word has never entered any of our conversations)? I know I have a lot to give (just ask my doggies) I might be buying a house soon (on my own) and asked him not too long ago if he ever wanted a house with someone. His response was..."maybe someday". I know it's still early in our relationship, so I haven't brought the subject up since. But should I? Like I said, I don't want to pressure or seem desperado, so my plan has been just wait and see. Maybe I have just answered my own question. But for how long? I'd like to hear your sage advice BG!

-- -- Fido Lover

Dear Fido Lover,

You, as a dog person, will especially understand the following analogy. Doesn't it boggle your mind (/ add the ASPCA to your speed-dial) when people get pets and then don't take care of them? I mean, what on earth else is the point of a pet? Sure, we could go into all sorts of creepy childhood issues about caretaking, abandonment, power, etc. WhatEVER. But you still see where the logic/love fails.

Well, then. WHAT ON EARTH IS THE POINT OF HAVING A BOY/GIRLFRIEND IF YOU DON'T MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL? Sure, we could go into all sorts of creepy motivations, from prurient (get into pants), to practical (get lawn mowed), to petty (lunch, dinner, etc.), but whatEVER. I don't care how you do the special-ization; there's not some bauble or sweet-nothing minimum. And I am even allowing for men/people who are less effusive/verbal than others. WhatEVER. It's a vibe that travels on many frequencies. And it should be there. It just should.

That is why, no, Fido Lover, it is not too much to ask. You were not "spoiled" by the other guys. The statute of "wooing" limitations is not over. Being adored is not a bonus. (Except by your pooches.)

So. You owe him more than a See Ya, and you owe your bad dog person self even more than that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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