< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am going thorugh a really traumatic crisis right now. My boyfriend, who has been living with me for two years, sent me out to get dinner, and when I returned home, he was gone. Well, what I mean was, he up and left vanished without a note, nothing. I called immediately to his voice mail and cell phone, both numbers were disconnected. I noticed that the movies we had rented the night before were gone, so I called the video store and the girl told me he had just come in to close up our account we had shared together.

I haven't heard from him since and I have looked for him, nothing. He quit his job. We had not been fighting nor was the relationship headed towards stormy waters.

I had no clue. I am devastated beyond belief! He was in the closet; his parents had no clue he was gay and I was his first boyfriend, and vice versa.

What should I do and how should handle this? I need closure to move on -- how do I find it and is there a chance he may never call and I may never see him again? Please help, this is my first relationship and I was really independent before, now I feel shattered and helpless...

-- Jason

Dear Jason,

Holy cow, kid. People complain about "not knowing 'Why,'" etc, but this really takes the cake. No wonder you feel shattered, helpless, and -- let me add a couple -- baffled, betrayed? And you are right: you are going to, eventually, need to find closure. Thing/problem is, it's not going to be connected to knowing what the hell happened. You might find out, you might not: but you can't let closure depend on that. Especially because -- and I say this to other ex-couples all the time, even without the literal disappearing act -- even knowing Why won't necessarily bring auto-Closure. Au contraire, sometimes, in fact.

What to do? Grieve, hurt, rage, feel like hell. Reinstate that account and rent some weepers. Then start to try to make up a reason why he left. And why he left that way. Just make it up. Don't worry about whether it's Correct. Make up something that could, conceivably, make sense to you. Like, I don't know, the wear and tear of being in a relationship that wasn't working for him (wait, what? I know. See next paragraph.) PLUS the wear and tear of not being out = SNAP! I don't know. You add the details. Just something to fill the void for yourself. Something. It's flimsy, but it'll help a little.

Just as a side note as you ponder the above: though his method is very mysterious, it sorta makes sense, in a twisted way, that he would (a) not let on that anything was bothering him, and then (b) vanish without dealing. If you think about it, the two [non-] acts are on a continuum. For what that's worth.

Also, sweetie, you might want a pro -- or other source of support -- to hold your hand through this one. Start here, maybe? Please take care.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >