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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been accused by friends and exes of having a "fear of intimacy." I do not think this is true. I do have an immense need for personal space and alone-time, but there have been a few (and far between) people whose company I've enjoyed in larger doses. At what point does "enjoying solitude" become "fear of intimacy"?

-- The Hermitess

Dear Hermitess,

Oh, for goodness' sake. At some level, "fear of intimacy" is like "need for food and water." We all have it. Even those turbo-sharing People Who Spill Too Much (who secretly know that this so-called intimacy is actually -- phew! -- driving folks away). Just like "insecurity," "commitment-phobia," and all those other selfhelpalicious pronoucements. What-EVER. Human freaking condition. Yes, some people are better than others at overriding it. But "fear of intimacy" (along with all those other vigilante diagnoses) is also what people conclude when certain other conclusions ("fear of ... Me" !?!?) are a bit too personal. So if you can look me in the eye and say not only that you treasure your solitude, but also that its presence makes your choices about who gets to invade it much more clear and precious, then you've got nothing to worry about.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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