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Dear Breakup Girl,

Help! I am in searing pain. I have survived one week of hell. I seek healing and words of encouragement.

Here's what I imagine you'll say: Get busy, girl! Take yourself to the movies; call one of your favorite people and schedule a dinner out one night this week. Pamper yourself with baths and time to read. Get your house spiffed up in a way that pleases you. Buy yourself some pussy willows. But do NOT under any circumstances call him.

A two-month long love affair ran aground last weekend when I told him that the woman whom he calls his best friend appears very much to be more than that. Yeah, even as I write this I know how it looks on paper. And how it looks on paper is probably pretty close to how it IS, right? You don't have the tightness in your chest, and as you read this you must be yawning with the familiarity of this story.

But, but, but... I might say: I opened my heart to this man so completely. I fell in LOVE with him. The lovemaking was so soulful, we had such a beautiful connection. How could I be wrong about that? I confronted him about his friend Kathy, letting him know that the situation was not tolerable. He stomped off. I haven't heard one word from him since.

Every single one of my friends has joined in the chorus: do NOT call him. move on, girl! Stiffen your resolve. You deserve a full-time man.

Yes, I agree, and I know the love affair is over even though this hurts deeply, I know I'll live through it.

Can you tell, me, Breakup Girl, why it is that the woman is advised not to call the man when something like this happens?

I don't intend to beg for him back or behave pathetically. But I need to honor the fact that for the first time in many years I allowed myself to jump into a love affair with both feet. My son grew fond of this man, and he courted me so ardently. I know it's insane to admit this, but we were planning trips and having fun naming imaginary children! Painting pictures of our ideal life together, discussing marriage as a spiritual path. I do want to ask for closure. A kind of "exit interview," not to grill him (though a week ago I would have gladly done so) but to take on my own responsbility, share with him what I've learned, tell him that this meant a lot to me. I hadn't had sex in three years, BG, and I don't take that decision lightly. I feel I need to honor my self and my own heart.

Any words of strength, wisdom, soothing balm for my pain?

-- Etoile

Dear Etoile,

Get busy, girl! Take yourself to the movies; call one of your favorite people and schedule a dinner out one night this week. Pamper yourself with baths and time to read. Get your house spiffed up in a way that pleases you. Buy yourself some pussy willows. And go ahead and call him if you like.

Whuh?

Yes. Once. And only if you follow/adapt Breakup Girl's rules of sending cards: you send the card/make the call to send the card/make the call, not to get a response. S/he may respond the way you want, s/he may not, s/he may have changed addresses without telling you. Whatever. Point is, getting in touch means you have something to say. That s/he needs to hear. End of story.

The reason why one is "advised not to call" is that it can -- despite one's most decorous intentions -- dissolve into a beg- or badger-fest, or ammo for more anger. Embarassing. Frustrating. And counter-productive.

So can you look BG in the baby blues and say, without rationalizing/justifying, that this ONE call -- in which you will report, not rehash, right? -- would honor your self/heart, fine. If your heart was truly in his hands, then far be it from me to take the phone out of yours.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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