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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I swear, it is like I am watching some pathetic chick go through a bunch of bull, then when I look really hard at her...I see that SHE is Me and that scares me to death. I thought I was stronger than that...So here it goes:

I was involved with this great "square" guy; he is a cop and that was too much for our two year relationship. So, as that started to go downhill, I met "HIGH MAINTENCE MAN." I was at a goodbye party with SQUARE and there he was. Of course, SQUARE immediately found some other dude interested in the cop crap and I found myself left alone for hours at this party.

HMM (HIGH MAINTENCE MAN) kept me company. He is sooo beautiful, dreamy eyes, tall, nice full head of hair, and funny...GREAT SMILE. Ok, so we were definitely attracted to one another. I felt guilty, and hours later SQUARE and I went home....

A month later, it was my girlfriend's birthday and we were all going dancing...SQUARE couldn't come; he had to work. So, there we are, and there HMM is. I was sooo happy to see him, and perhaps more happy that SQUARE wasn't there. We danced the night away. He bought drinks for everyone, he looked sooo incredible, smelled even better, and the MAN can dance.

For weeks after the dance night, I could not get him out of my head. I broke it off with SQUARE days later. NOT BECAUSE of HMM, but because of the feelings I had for HMM. Then one night, I was hosting a party at my pad and there HMM was. ONE KISS LATER AND I AM SPRUNG!!!!! BAD!!

After all, this guy seems to have it all together. He dresses to impress, he is smart, lots of friends, decent job, $$ to buy us all drinks...oh, and he was older than the guys I usually go out with. I am 24. HMM is 30. It was so nice NOT being a teacher in bed. This guy knew JUST what to do. I was in heaven....................

AND THEN....

I found out that HMM has 3 kids, 2 ex wives, a DUI, and impounded car (driving on a suspended license. MAN-O-MAN~~~~ Although, hard to swallow, my heart enjoyed him too much to dump just because the guy has some "issues."

I met his oldest daughter. His other 2 are out of the state. So, hey, I can handle a 9 year old. Watching him make her bed w/ such detail and care, tuck her in and brush her hair off her face...melted me and made me fall in love with him even more.

Okay, so then he tells me that his Mom has cancer and that his brother is challenged. Not that these things bothered me... I felt even more sympathetic and wanted to be something strong and necessary in his life.

So, he waited the 30 days to get his car out of the impound -driving on a suspended license. When it was time to get the car out, he skirted around the issue. My keen senses (such a joke) told me that he was hiding something...A heart to heart later...I found out that he has NO, ZERO, NADA money. That he has 15+ collection agencies after him. That his own bank placed a HOLD on his account due to the collections. I also found out that for years, he wasted away his father's money and that Daddy was NOT giving him another cent. WHEWWWW!

Knowing all this, just made me want to help more. I swore to myself that I would NOT give him money. But knowing that he had no money, I couldn't allow him to pay for things: movies, dinner, gas- cause I am driving him everywhere...he lives 50 miles away from me. So he was getting very expensive.

I started him on a payment plan. I had him writing letters to set up payments to his creditors. I deposited his paychecks into my account and wrote out checks for him. I just wanted to help him any way possible.

Then one day he called, proud of himself for rescheduling a court date. I asked, "what is THAT court date for?" He then, admitted to another ticket that turned into a warrant. He forgot about it and never mentioned it. I FLIPPED OUT!!!!! Went to the bank, pulled out his money and threw it at him. I just couldn't deal with another issue.

For two days I waited for his call. NO CALL. Why? My roommate emailed him and wrote her back a lengthy email about how much it hurts him to see me that way, how he needs to work on himself, by himself and that he loved me BUT wasn't going to call me. GRRRRRRRRRRR. Stupidly, I called and that night we were in each other's arms.

The next morning, he went away for a 4 day business trip. He told me he would call when he got there. He didn't call the first night, Nor the 2nd. I FED XED him cards to his hotel room. I thought the cards would prompt him to call for sure. NO CALL. I was a mess. Crying all the time, sleeping, waiting by the phone. PATHETIC!!! Finally I CALLED (again) him. He told me that our relationship was too emotional for him and that he is afraid that I am going to "turn off my feelings and dump everything we have poured into this relationship." HE said that he wanted to get away from his ISSUES and that is why he didn't call.

I picked him up at the airport that night and we made up again. "I love you so much," he said. "I want to have a life with you and take care of you." THE BIGGY: "I want to share my children with you".... He said all that and more. I made him promise NEVER to do that not calling thing again ....and of course, he promised.

Three days later, I drove him home. He asked me to stay the night with him. I agreed. We had just laid down, when his roommate came in having bought a new ping pong table. They went down to play a game. HMM told me that he would return in 1/2 hour. 4 1/2 hours later, I wake up and I can hear them talking down stairs. HMM was consulting his idiot roommate about "getting a girl"...then the dreaded WHISPERING started. I tried to listen but couldn't hear a thing.

By the time he came to bed I WAS SOOO MAD. He left me up there alone AND was whispering with his friend all night. We exchanged words...He told me that I was playing games and I left. On the way home, I called his voice mail at work so that he would understand that we were just in a fight, that I was not "dumping everything." I waited for his call Friday morning. NOTHING. I emailed him 3 times, each email growing more panicked NOTHING. No call Friday night, SAT, or SUNDAY.

Okay...HMM is up to his old bull...remember, he JUST promised never to do this to me again...and here I am in the same place I was the weekend before. Something inside me WOULD NOT CALL HIM, I wanted to see if he would call.

WRAPPING UP~

Monday he LEFT A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE AT HOME: "Hey, just wanted to TOUCH BASE WITH YOU. I waited all weekend for your call and JUST received your message and emails today. I did not go to work last Friday. You never called. I do not think that we should spend time together anymore. YOU ARE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF ALL MY ISSUES.WE CANT EVEN GO THROUGH ONE DAY WITHOUT DEALING WITH MY ISSUES. So thanks for the help. Maybe we will meet again when I have my life together and we can try again --I really want that. TAKE CARE." Click....

I haven't talked to him since. I guess I should be happy, but my heart is broken. I miss him sooo much. He left a lot of articles of clothing at my house...and they all smell just like him. This all happened within 2 1/2 months, but it felt like a year and a half.

I wonder why he didn't love me or love me enough. I wonder why I wasn't worth it to him. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if I will EVER find anyone that loves me the right way. Your thoughts??? BE NICE.

-- Nastynae

Dear Nastynae,

Be nice? I'll try, but only if you quit it.

First of all, don't be so unhappy about not being happy. Even the ickiest breakups from the lamest relationships (oh wait, that's what this was) (Whoops! Okay, NICE, right.) get us down. That is the fallout of love/lack thereof, no matter what its quality.

So. Now that you feel better about feeling bad, let me tell you a little something about this guy. He is being Someone With Issues. Which, of course, he is, but he is entirely uninterested in not having them. They are his life work. See those glasses he's wearing? Issue-colored. He cannot see the world -- or you -- without them. Which is to say: it's natural for you to wonder about the depth of his feelings for you; and in that regard, humans are more powerful than superheros, so I can't stop you from doing that. But -- cliche cliche cliche -- this whole debacle was not about you. Nastynae, the perfect woman (Susan Sarandon) could have called this guy up, and he would have been all, "Sorry, I'm in the middle of ping pong right now. Quit playing games." This guy is not about finding love right now, missy. He is about finding a willing accomplice.

Enter: you. Perfect. (Watch out, I'm getting less nice.) You were worth it to him, in a really not nice way. He was looking for someone who would throw money at him and then say, "I'm sorry, did that hurt?" But/so you did not fail, Nastynae. What, you think that you could have done -- in 2 1/2 months (!!!!!) -- what 15 collection agencies, 3 wives, the court system, and Repo Man couldn't? That would have been the plot of some Lifetime movie about "the transformative power of a woman's love."

Which, of course, is what you are trying to live. What gives, Nasty? I mean, what are you doing giving so much -- so soon! -- in return for nothing but ping-pong promises? You tell me. You're on the right track when you wonder about finding someone to love you "the right way" (hint: not this way.). But the Right Way is, as they say, a two-way street. You'll find someone who does, Nasty. Just make sure you date him and not the other guy.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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