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Dear Breakup Girl,

First: you totally rule.

Second: I need to know if I'm:

a) completely paranoid, psychotic and unreasonable

b) going through normal dating jitters

c) a gal with a legitimate gripe, i.e. I'm about to be dumped

OK, so I've been dating this guy for exactly one month now. He is fabulous, the way I feel about him is ecstatic, the sex is divine. (I held out till the third date...OK, sue me, that's a long time for me. Besides, I've dated guys for years that I slept with on the first date, and had guys bolt after I waited weeks, but I digress...) We get along super-duper and it's all cool EXCEPT for...

the Phone Thing. I'm going bananas over this. The Phone Thing is: whenever I see him, he NEVER says anything about when we're going to see each other again, just makes a noncommittal comment like "I'll call you next week" -- and he usually does, but it's agonizing DAYS later. Nor does he call or email during the week, you know, just to say hi or how ya doin'.

The first week we met, we got together like three times, we emailed constantly, he phoned all the time, etc. Then he went out of town for a week and a half, during which no calls, called me as soon as he got back and couldn't understand why I sounded a little miffed (I was miffed because when he left he was like "well, see you whenever" and I spent the whole ten days smoldering).

Two weeks ago, I totally lost it when I returned his phone call, left him a message and he didn't call back in two days. I finally called him, found out he had been going through a major crisis, which I did know something about -- OK, whatever. Last week, he waited days after our date (we see each other every weekend -- so far), then when he finally called, said he'd been sick all week -- too sick to dial the phone??? He called me twice that day, but it was me who emailed him the next day to see about going out that weekend (his story was that I'd been talking so much about having to work that weekend, he assumed I'd be too busy to go out. Smells like cop-out to me.)

OK, he never stands me up, always calls if he's going to be late or if there's a change in plans, is super sweet whether on phone, in person or via email, BUT...I am getting tired of wondering when I'm going to hear from him, when I'm going to see him. It makes me crazy and it makes my friends crazy to hear me whining.

Question: isn' t it true that if he really liked me, vs. viewing me as an easy piece of ass, he would make time to call me, to make plans in advance, to at least damn well send the occasional email? And I've never been shy about calling guys myself, but enough is enough!!! I want him to show some real interest!!

My best friend says I need to sit him down and have a talk with him. What do YOU say, BG???

-- Nutsy Bolts

Dear Nutsy Bolts,

First, thanks.

Second, you are d.) dating someone. Which means: yes, you are entitled to the "Will he call?!" jitters. And yes, you are more than entitled to be shown real, steady, sturdy interest. Not to mention the simple courtesy of advance scheduling.

BUT.

IT'S BEEN ONE MONTH. Less, if you count when he was out of town. Which was after dating for one week. Which entitles him not to call while he's away. Dating for One Week is not necessarily a Call from a Trip kind of relationship. It's just not. And even Dating for a Few Weeks is not, in some people's style book, a Call Just to Say Hi kind of relationship. Yet. Give it time. That's part of the watch-it-grow fun!

See, the kind of smoldering you're doing, Nutsy, is not the Jessica Rabbit film noir kind of smoldering. That is, it's not the kind of smoldering that boys -- or anybody -- like. Aren't we all a bit afraid of [being] that cartoony browbeating why-didn't-you-call-me woman? Nutsy, don't be that woman.

If you need to make plans in advance, then make plans in advance. If he doesn't call you back, make other plans. Better yet, make other plans anyway, and you'll see where else you can work him in. Either he'll get the idea that he's got to be on the ball, or dating Darwinism will go to work and he'll select himself right on out of the picture. This is not about training or manipulating. This is about doing something in your life other than picking up the phone really quick to see if there's a dial tone or checking your email again and missing your friends' calls.

Which, by the way, will help make you the hot kind of smoldering.

Oh, and about "sitting him down and having a talk with him." Do this only if you want to make sure he does not call. Instead, sit down and have a talk with your best friend. About anything but him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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