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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been in a relationship for 6 months, a very long time for some, very short for others, and as of now it has left me extremely confused. Two days ago he devastated me by almost breaking up with me because of something his friend told me I had someone ask him (his best friend and my best friend were dating). I have complete trust in her, and she swears to me none of this was said. I believe her, but my boyfriend does not. He finally decided to ask me about it, and we ended up staying together. But it has made me think.

There have been a lot of times over the past 6 months that he has made me feel like a princess -- and a lot of times where he has made me feel like the lowliest person on the face of the planet. About a week ago he had a total blowout where he told me everything that was wrong with me, every single little tiny thing that I didn't do correctly, or that I shouldn't do at all. He told me most of this in an email, and then called me later and informed me of what he had forgotten. I was,\ obviously, devastated. I couldn't say anything about him, if I would have he would have told me that I was trying\ to change him, and if I couldn't love him the way he is, than I couldn't love him at all. When I asked him about him trying to change me, he informed me that they were changes for the better, so it was all right.

He'll say things to me that are rude, or insensitive, purely because he doesn't think before he talks. He prides himself on the moments that I call him an 'a**hole'. He wants the entire world to think that he is one. He tells me that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if it's really love, or some form of lust or another feeling which he has mistaken for love. (Either that or he just lies to me.)

I fear being alone. I really do. I have been taken advantage of in the past, and I've been really hurt before. Even though I'm in the relationship with him, I still feel amazingly alone. Sometimes I wonder if it all is worth it, but than a little voice inside of me comes up and tells me that being alone would be even worse, and I think that little voice is right.

I'm a middle child, and will honestly admit to having a SEVERE case of middle child syndrome, I never felt special or really that loved. I always felt as if I was a burden. Now, though, I am loved, or something close to it, and this man holds my entire heart in his hands. Sometimes he throws it to the ground and stomps on it, but sometimes he treats it as if nothing on earth could be more important to him. I just don't know what to do anymore. It is the best relationship I've ever been in, and I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I have never, ever been so happy at times, and other times I've never been so sad. All of my friends tell me to break up with him, they tell me it's not worth the heartache, but I'm afraid that the heartache of being truly alone would be far worse. I really would appreciate any advice whatsoever you can give to me, I don't know where else to turn anymore.

-- Lost but in Love

Dear Lost,

Listen carefully. It just so happens that our dear and wise Belleruth has been doing some work at a -- try not to tune / freak out when you hear these words -- domestic violence shelter. "Guess what these women say violates them the most?" she asks. "Getting beaten? Nope. It's being humiliated with contemptuous words, usually in front of others -- kids, relatives, friends. Or just being humiliated. That stays with them, defeats them, kills their spirits and it's worse when it comes from someone who presumably "loves" you -- cause those mean words go deeper and you believe them more."

Sweetie. Does this sound familiar?

Back to Belleruth. "The longer you stay with this guy whom I will not gratify by calling him what he really is (see below), the more you'll think you can't make it alone, because he's destroying whatever is left of your confidence and self sufficiency."

In other words, the fact that you feel incapable of leaving IS THE RESULT OF WHAT HE'S DOING TO YOU, not reason not to leave.

And: "the fact that he likes being called what he is says it all: this behavior is, as we say, ego-congruent for this bozo. It suits his sense of self. He will not only not change, he will get worse. He may get physical too."

If you are having trouble wrapping your brain around this, trying keeping a Meanie Diary, suggests Belleruth. If you write down each time he's mean (and in what way), it will start to get easier to see, in black and white, on paper, what he's doing. This might help you write your own ticket out.

But realize that you've already started doing that. Writing this letter says you know you need to get out of this .. but just don't have the courage or faith. But the longer you stay, the more your courage and faith will diminish. So call 800-799-SAFE to shore up will and support, and then do what you need to do to leave safely. Your friends know you can, and so does everyone writing/reading this right now. You may be a middle child, but right now it's time to be your own one and only.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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