< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

The background: He and I have been having a torrid long-distance romance for over a year. Both battle-scarred and weary from devastating previous relationships -- his for 4 years and dumped 3 months before the wedding, mine for 8 years with the father of my 4-year-old son who was emotionally manipulative/abusive. Resolved to take it slow, keep it light, see where it went.

Fast-forward to the holidays. Professions of true and deep love. He drives the 165 miles to have Thanksgiving with my family. I drive the 165 to have Christmas with his family and meet them for the first time. We spend New Year's Eve together in each other's arms. I feel we have grown astonishingly close, I feel safe and warm and secure in his love.

Cut to the day after New Year's. I accidentally find some hidden photos (hidden so poorly I have to wonder about self-sabotage) and suddenly a number of things I found puzzling yet un-troubling all come together to form an ugly picture: he's been shagging someone else. Significant background info: I have been in open relationships before and have handled them, there was no agreement that this would be one, and I distinctly remember a conversation in which he confessed that he'd learned the hard way about "cheating" and wouldn't be going there again.

I consider myself, at age 35, to be immensely together and pretty savvy. I cannot believe I was so blindsided. To add insult to injury, she's 19 (he's 31). Even if I wanted to give her a run for her money, I'm old enough to be her extremely young mother. And I don't compete. I've done it all BG, and I don't intend to compromise what I've have learned the hard way by being part of a triangle (albeit with one position a revolving door, since I don't think she's the first).

I know this man is confused and afraid and hurt. I also know he's in love with me, and that I intimidate him at times because he doesn't understand why someone like me would love someone like him. He has some serious self-esteem issues (in spite of being one of the most physically beautiful people I have ever seen, and I have traveled far and wide sampling them all), and I can understand the "why" of what happened. I also understand, intellectually, that this really has nothing to do with me. But it sure hurts like it does.

I love him, my son loves him, and I believe I can see this thing through if I can keep from falling into the why-wasn't-I-enough, what's wrong-with-me, how-could-he-do-this-to-me pit of hell. Any super-proven methods of maintaining my dignity while loving him through this lesson? I know I may ultimately have to walk away if he cannot find a way to love and respect himself as much as I love and respect him. I have a child to protect. But he is the most engaging, loving, considerate (except for the whole cheating thing), kind and thoughtful man I have ever known. And the sex is stellar, ripping-a hole-in-the-time/space-continuum kinda good. Help, BG!

-- Kellicat

Dear Kellicat,

That was a fast-forward! From "take it slow, keep it light" to "meet the fam!" Somewhere in the middle, you two didn't state and agree on your terms. Like: if we're making this "real," then no girlies. Is there -- Belleruth wants to know -- a way for you and Austin Powers to start to get to know each other in a regular, face-to-face (dare I say, Potential Involved Dad) sort of way? "Though I like the part about 'ripping a hole in the space-time continuum -- a turn of phrase worthy of BG herself (just in a hypothetical situation, Breakup Mom) -- you also need to see how stellar the sex is after you've been in each other's quotidien physical company for a while. With no girlies -- or girlie pictures -- in the picture. He may suddenly get very dull. Or it might not. But either way -- and yes, this one may turn out okay -- Mom does need to set some rules and proceed with caution. You do have a kid to consider, and that, dare I say more than yours, is a heart that cannot be lightly broken." He -- not to mention you two -- does need to learn shapes other than triangles.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >