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Dear Breakup Girl,

I got married two weeks ago. My husband has this thing where he doesn't tell me things -- I just found out on Valentine's Day that he has IRS problems that he didn't tell me about. I really have a problem with his avoidance and dishonesty by omission. He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it, and just wants to get away and not hear anything about the way he handles things. What do I do in these situations where there are things he doesn't want to hear but needs to ??

Also, there's this guy that I see daily that I find EXTREMELY attractive, who by the way has a lot of baggage from a previous marriage but I have had this attraction to him for a long while -- now I know that chemistry and attraction don't exactly make a relationship. The guy I married is always there for me when things are bad and I need help. But what does this attraction to the other guy mean ?? It scares me that I feel this but cannot deny it. Is this a bad sign ???

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

How bad are these"IRS problems?" I mean, is he going through some icky audit that's exposing some less-than-wise record-keeping or decision-making? Or, are we talking: something illegal? filing joint returns with someone else? Reason I ask is -- and this is a rare Mars/Venus moment for me -- men tend to not bother telling women "everything" ("It's not her problem," etc.), while women -- when they find out -- take this is a big "we're not intimate" dis. Also, money itself: major hot spot/sticking point. I'm not saying he should or shouldn't have told you about whatever it is, or that you should or shouldn't be huffy. I'm not saying it's not odd that you didn't know this potentially-more-than-a-detail about him before you married him. I'm just saying that the colors of money and the shades of secrecy here are further enhanced here by the guy/girl dynamic.

But to redeem myself from having ventured into the Gray area, let me debunk another Mars/Venus myth: the one that says that when it comes to problems, women listen, men fix. Oh, come on. We (women) are dying to fix everything. Just listen to you: "things he needs to hear..." etc. That's the problem, though: no one wants to hear "things they need to hear." La la la la la, not listening.

So. You feel betrayed, clued out, not listened to. Fair enough. No wonder even your Baggage Carrier looks good. Don't deny this feeling -- heck, it's there -- but don't act on it, okay? Think of it as getting a call: the one where you find out that you are about to be audited. Not your finances, your marriage. Not by the IRS, but by ... you guys yourselves. Talk about the big picture, you two. To [pretend to] limit your focus to this tax weirdness is like nabbing Al Capone for ... tax weirdness. There's much bigger funny business -- evasion? fraud? -- going on. Fix that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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