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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 4 1/2 years. We moved to Asia for my job right after we married, and my contract ends next summer. There was unexpectedly a lot of difficulty in his finding a proper position here, but he finally did. Now, however, he's back in the States while I'm finishing my contract.

When we met I had been divorced 12 years earlier and had a 14 year-old son. He was newly separated and had a 4 year-old son. We sort of watched each other for 6 months before we went out together, but I only saw him when he was working as a sports instructor. He is really great in dealing with people he's teaching.

Unfortunately, he was unhappy with his position and with being displaced from where he grew up in the South and so he was a total crank at home. This didn't improve when we moved to Asia even though the weather was warmer and more like what he preferred.

In fact, he became the worst crank and complainer I have ever seen ­ even to the point of letting his temper erupt in public. He could also be the Webster's dictionary definition of road rage. Because he was never actually mad at me, I always tried to smooth things over and calm him down, but family life was awful. My son avoided ever doing anything with us and pretty much just hid in his room or did things outside of the house with his friends. This was extremely tough because my son and I are very close.

Last summer I started to go to marriage counseling, but my husband only went once because he said that he was too busy. I eventually gave it up when the counselor said that not much could be fixed without my husband's participation. My husband also said that he didn't think we really had a problem since he was "working on getting his temper under control." From my point of view, though, it wasn't safe to go out with him from both a driving safety factor and the embarrassment he caused.

When he suddenly was offered a very good position back home this fall, I encouraged him to take it, thinking to myself that this was the opportunity\ to end the misery of our relationship. There had been absolutely no possibility of any trial separation while we were here together in Asia, for housing reasons -- it's even worse than Manhattan!

I did not tell him what I was thinking because I knew he wouldn't leave if he thought that I weren't planning to join him when my contract was over. That sounds bizarre, but in spite of the fact that he was causing me to be desperately unhappy (his anger frequently caused me serious gut problems), I knew that he loved me and wouldn't willingly leave me behind indefinitely.

After he'd been gone for two months and was safely settled and I had pulled myself together, I told him that I wasn't going to come see him for the holidays and, in fact, didn't want to see him again. That was three months ago.

My husband was shocked. He knew that he'd been "kind of difficult," but said that he figured that since we loved each other everything else would always work out because he "didn't do the really bad stuff like cheating and beating." I told him that I really liked my car, but that if I didn't put gas in it my liking it wasn't going to keep it running. It must have been a good analogy because the light dawned. He admitted that he'd been a stinker to me and the boys, although he's never been adequately able to say why it was O.K. to treat us so awfully for so long. He's simply claiming gross stupidity, which is hard to argue with. He's also said that it was 99% his fault and only 1% mine (for putting up with him for so long and not hitting him over the head with a frying pan and making him wake up earlier). The relative guilt isn't particularly important to me, but what is important is that he is willing to really try to be a better family member and that he now realizes how his behavior affects all of us. He has agreed to see a professional to discuss the basis for his anger and how to manage it.

While there are no guarantees that things will ultimately work out, the divorce is on hold and we're trying to fix our marriage. It's not easy to do by ultra-long distance, but there's also an advantage in not being in each other's faces while we're sorting our lives out. And even though I was willing to end our marriage, I really do love him (how else could I have put up with him), so it's worth giving a sincere effort.

So if the breakup is off, why am I writing for your advice? Family. Getting a divorce meant getting a lawyer in the States, and that had to be done when I was back home for a visit. After keeping my mouth shut for years, my marital troubles were out in the open. My mother hadn't liked my husband since before she met him and she was more than delighted at the thought that he'd be gone from my life. When I told my parents last week that I wasn't pushing the divorce through, they blew up on me and then hung up on me. Since then I've been receiving transoceanic phone calls from family and friends telling me not to hesitate and to hurry up with the divorce.

My son, however, who, besides me, is the only one with a valid cause to complain about my husband since he lived with the problems for years until he went to college, is completely supportive of my decision to try again. He said that he doesn't figure that I owe my husband another chance, but if that's what I want to do he's completely behind my choice. I don't know how it happened, but I am damned lucky to have such an amazingly great kid.

How do I deal with my breakup-desiring and now furious family? It seems as though one should be able to discuss problems with one's family without then being forced by them into specific actions of their choosing. Perhaps I should have known better than to imagine that my parents would be as magnanimous as my son, but I goofed and now I'm in trouble. I'm especially under pressure on this because of my dad's age and chronic poor health. Please help me to figure out how to not break up with my husband and still not to cause a breakup with my family. Many thanks.

--Wife/Mother/Daughter/Sister/Friend/Aauuughh!!!

Dear Aauuughh!!!,

Believe you me, Breakup Girl is all for reconciliation and rehabilitation. But your relationship with your husband and family -- much like the Asian market -- is hardly ready to bounce back on its own.

Over to you, BG's Official Professional Belleruth.

"First of all, I would say that you've got more than 1% responsibility for -- forgive the term -- enabling. Your son sounds delightful, but I'm not sure what examples he's grown up observing in terms of [not] managing conflict.

Also, it's not right to suddenly spring on your husband -- a bully though he may be -- that you never want to see him again when he's far away and you don't have to look at him.

My guess is that it's hard for you to set limits -- not on what other people can and can't do, per se, but on what you'll tolerate for you. Maybe that's why the only way you could dump him was long distance?

Remember, vowing/trying to shape up is what people do when threatened with 'it's over.' Not that it's not sincere at the time. Bur it's also a face- and relationship-saving reflex that is hard to put into actual practice-- and stick to in -- real life. People tend to slip right back into un/comfortable familiar patterns, even when both want very much not to. That's why taking him back and carrying on like before is a recipe for disaster -- and for thoroughly alienating everyone. So you need to do things -- not passive-aggressive mean ones, mind you -- to keep the 'threat' alive and, most important, to disrupt the pattern..

See, you're asking the wrong question. It's not 'How do I get my parents and friends to stop the freaked-out phone calls and stop being mad at me and smile again?' It's simply this: 'How do I keep this guy on notice while he tries to shape up?'

Well, it might mean not living with him again, but dating him. Even if that means paying for two separate places (when your contract is complete and you're back in the States?). Don't fire that lawyer quite yet. Give your husband the chance/obligation to court you and prove that he can act differently, in public and when over for dinner with just you and your son (and while you're at it, keep away from the sex for a while). Give your family and friends a chance to see that while yes, you're trying again, no, you're not trying again the way a windup toy tries to walk through a wall.

And about them. The very fact that you want them to smile and be nice tells me something about that wall -- which is your need for everything to be 'back to normal.' It's not. Nor should it be. 'Normal' kind of sucked, didn't it?

Which is why they're angry. They watched and kept their mouths shut for years. They followed the rules. And now they're wild with fury. And perhaps with angry regret that they didn't egg you on (that is, out) before. Anyway, let them be mad while you do what you do. They're doing their job as loyal friends and parents. And it's a good reminder to you (a) that things aren't actually all 'nice' after all, and (b) of what it's like to have someone really care."

Love,
BR and BG

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