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Dear Breakup Girl,

Five years ago when I was living in another state, the company I was working for brought in a consultant to help me out. The project was horrible, we spent months together working side by side. We also spent a lot of social time together. I feel in my heart (and my head), that we were falling in love with each other. However, we were both in long term relationships already. I had been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, and he had been with his girlfriend for 3 years. Nothiing ever happened between us, we never even acknowledged our feelings (though the good bye hug lasted a long time). When he left to go home, I was devastated. My boyfriend was a nice guy, and I really cared about him, but over the next few years, our relationship deteriorated and 3 years ago we decided to break it off. The consultant guy (I'll call him "C") and I had kept in touch over the years as casual friends (though we always had this special feeling towards each other).

After my breakup, C and I started talking on the phone more, etc. Last fall he broke up with his girlfriend. The following 4 to 5 months, we talked on the phone 3 to 4 times a month, always for several hours. I was sick of my job and decided to make a career change. It just happens that C lives in a city that caters to my career (in fact it would be hard for me to take my career any further in another city). So, I decided to come out, visit C and check out my prospects. I stayed at his house, and we attacked each other! It was the most fantastic week of my life! We both acknowledged that we had had feeling for each other for years! I felt I had met my soul mate. In past relationships, I have had a tendency to hold back, but I decided that I would be honest about my feelings with him. I decided to move to his city. I told him that I was NOT moving there just because of him, but I wanted to continue to see him. He was a little hesitant (first time I had seen that) but said since neither of us was seeing anyone else, sure, we could keep seeing each other.

In four weeks, I had packed my bags, rented my house, and moved. I was staying with him until I found a place. But I sensed something was wrong right away. He finally asked how I felt about us seeing other people. My stomach fell to the floor, but I told him that we should explore our options before we decided to have a relationship. He told me there was one woman in particular he had dated on and off since a few weeks before I had come out to visit him. He assured me that his feelings for her were not stronger than the feelings he had for me. I was sad, but I felt that he would fall in love with me again if just given the time.

But I still sensed something was wrong. He finally told me that the other person he was dating was a guy. I was devastated. I asked him if he thought he was gay, he said he didn't know. He took me with him up to the mountains and held my hand and tried to soothe me. He kept saying he would do whatever I wanted, if I wanted to just be friends again, he'd do that, if I wanted to continue to see him, he'd do that. I knew there was no way I could keep seeing him.

I called a gay friend, M, who told me that C was doing everything a man does when he comes out later in life (we are all in our late 30's). He told methat C didn't want to admit that he was gay, so he needed to maintain a straight relationship: that was my role. M made me promise to GET OUT of C's house. While packing my stuff, I came across a note that talked about the special connection C had with me that he had never felt before. But as I read further, I realized it wasn't for me -- it was a draft of a letter for his male lover! In the letter it became obvious to me that C had lied to me. He had already had sex with the man and was deeply in love with him.

I was devastated not only by the loss of my relationship with C, but that he had lied to me. M had told me that C would not be himself right now, and I could see that he was obsessed with this man and was completely numb in every other way. It explained to me why his career was not going well and why he occasionally seemed depressed.

My girlfriends came and rescued me. I found a place to live and a job, both of which I love. I have made a lot of new friends here. I have been on two dates, but I think I am not interested in straight men. I am always attracted to men who take care of themselves physically as well as mentally. Men who are sensitive and artistic and intellectual. And guess what, they are always gay. So of course I'm attracted to gay men, I have found them to be much more compassionate and caring than any straight man I have ever known!

So, I give up. I feel like C was my soul mate and there will never be another. I'm happy to date, and I have had sex once or twice in the last 7 months. But I can't imagine ever meeting another man like C.

So much of my life is wonderful right now. I know I did the right thing. In many ways, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. But I miss him terribly. Sometimes I think there must be some other guy out there for me, but I am afraid if there is, it will be because they are harboring some gay tendencies, which of course makes me completely terrified to have feelings for anyone again. So I guess I'm still looking for is some encouragement that it will be okay.

-- FH

Dear FH,

I certainly don't mean to dismiss your legitmately hurt feelings and the conclusions they've driven you to draw about men of all persuasions. But can we ALL PLEASE try to move beyond this All of the Good Ones are Gay thing, pleasepleaseplease? As strategies/attitudes go, it's not a great way to locate/endear yourself to all the sensitive articulate intellectual compassionate caring straight men you just dissed. Also, some gay men are big huge jerks (just ask Big L). I mean, it's not a gay/straight thing. Or even a man thing. It's a human thing.

Anyway, your problem is not that you're not attracted to straight men. Your problem is that you are meeting straight men who -- at least in your own mind -- are giving you "reason" not to date at all. Insert "Way to not have to do the work of a relationship!" etc. from above.

But it will be okay, FH. It will. Of course you were really hurt; of course -- even though you do, yay, have other sources of support, security, and stability in your life -- you're nervous, twice-shy. But if you really are up for meeting someone new, then go hang out with those excellent gay guys. Let's assume -- true to stereotype -- that they have great taste. In straight friends. So have them introduce you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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