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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am absolutely certain you are going to read this letter and reply, "You are confused." Well I'm not -- I just don't know what I want.

My fiance of nine months is telling me we need to spend some time apart, both see other people for three months, before we settle down to be faithful to each other, forever, and get married. I understand this, as when we met, he was a virgin, and I'd had loads of experience, and he wants to be able to give me something back. I really do respect his decision that he needs some time.

But this is the problem (one of them). I just found "Breakup Girl" as one of the "favourites" on our (shared) computer. (No, I wasn't snooping.) And I have been insecure about whether he wants to come back to me.

Besides which, I have always known that the only person for me is one of my closest friends who is also queer. We had a relationship once, but I was unfaithful. She does want me back, but I can't bear to tell my parents I'm leaving my nice stable steady fiance for a woman. And I want to have children.

I got pregnant by my fiance, but he basically forced me into an abortion... not quite emotional blackmail, but almost.

And I am panicking now, because he has Breakup Girl as one of his favourites -- does he want to break up?

-- Wen

Dear Wen,

You are confused. Though maybe not entirely, since you were pretty clear that I would say that.

Mainly, you're confused about Breakup Girl's raison d'etre, and thus about your fiance's intentions. Here -- though indeed, the content of column and rest of the site shoud speak for itself -- is a public service announcement about Breakup Girl's public services. If you have a breakup -- recent, impending, lingering -- she will help you deal. If you're confused about a breakup, BG will help you sort things out. If you have a problem within a relationship that you have no intention of ending, Breakup Girl will help you make it work. If you're about to embark on an unnecessary breakup, Breakup Girl will stop you. So Wen, I don't know why this site was on his favorites list. But in the big picture, it's as likely as not that he's looking to patch, not break, things up. Or that he's just looking for a good read.

OR...maybe he left this site there for you to see so that you'd wind up writing in for advice. And look, here you are. Want some? I don't think you're ready to get married. Few people enter into a committed relationship without certain insecurities, certain ones that got away, certain unresolved issues. But all the complications you describe here are just ... too much. Too much to be resolved simply by being apart for three months (which , by the way, you won't be). Especially this "give you something back" thing. What's that about? A STD? Not a convincing argument for me. Neither is "I want to have children" as a reason you can't be with a [particular] woman. And there appears to be major unfinished business about this abortion, too.

Look, I don't know how to tell you to get ready, or how to tell you when you will be. But I will tell you this: about these issues, start sorting. I'm guessing that breakupgirl.net isn't exactly your favorite place right now, Wen. But that's because I want your home -- partnered hearth or bachelorette pad -- to be.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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