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Dear Breakup Girl,

For the record, I'm a white male, 27, from North Carolina and have never voted for Jesse Helms.

Let me begin by noting that ever since that first prepubescent "being driven to the movies by mom" date, I've never considered a person's sex to be an issue in dating. I don't like the label bisexual, but my feelings are perhaps best summarized by saying that I feel that it's the person, not their genitalia, that matters. As a result of being totally comfortable with this facet of myself, I have been in several terrific multi-year relationships with both men and women, though never at the same time.

On the darker side of this comfortable situation, I have had bad luck when revealing this omnivorous side of myself to females I'm dating. At some point, there's always a discussion about past sexual partners. While it's been my experience that interested males usually don't care whether you've dated their mother or sister, every female that I've been truthful with (i.e., told that I've dated men) immediately terminates the relationship (or the future possibility thereof).

Now, I'm not interested in any super-kinky threesomes, but do you have any advice on the best way to broach this issue to a female, and give this male some insight into the female psyche on dating "bisexual" men?

-- Tom

Dear Tom,

You know, I'd say this is a more of a gay thing than a girl thing. In other words, men may be more down with your past because more of them, perhaps, have dated men who'd spent years being / acting straight. Perhaps they're more used to -- and thus less threatened by -- hearing about their partners' ominvorous pasts. I'm just guessing.

Also, I'm not sure how much, how deeply, how often you need to "broach this issue" in the first place. As long as you promise me (as everyone should) that you have been superduper safe, then I'm not convinced you need to go for full disclosure every time you go for the full monty.

But if things start looking like a relationship, then yeah, you've got to spill. Not because she needs to know that you've dated men, but because she needs to know that you might do it again. See, I think what women hear when you say "omnivorous" is "undecided." And that -- not bisexualphobia per se -- is the problem. Call it "family values," but no one wants to feel like a foray, a gender of the month, a "if it's Wednesday it must be women" thing (I'm not saying that you are that flighty/crass at all -- hardly -- I'm just saying that I understand how someone else could feel that way).

You're totally entitled to swing whichever way you want -- and back -- for as long as you want, provided that you maintain your spotless voting record. It's not only about saying the right thing at the right time. It's about finding people -- say, straight, but not "breeders" -- who are willing to swing with you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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