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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have virtually no close, real friends at the school I go to (and it's not because I've just transferred. I went to Kindergarten with some of them, and to elementary school with most of them). It's not that they hate me, or anything. Most of them are nice to me, and I'm nice to them. Whenever they need something (what the homework was, help with the class work, pens, pencils, etc.) they come to me and I do my best to help. Still they don't really feel like close friends (or friends at all sometimes). Almost everyone says I'm their friend, but I'm never invited to do anything outside of school, and whenever I try to invite someone to do something they can't come. It's not like I'm completely friendless, I have a best friend who understands me better than anyone else, but in 7th grade she transferred to another school. This won't be such a big problem, but now I'm a Freshman, and I really want to become good friends with this one boy (so I might just have a small crush on him). The problem is he's popular and I'm not. Anthor problem is the only time he really just talks to me (and just me) is during Biology when we have a Lab to do. He'll come up to me then, and ask me what to do, and also he'll ask for help with answering the corresponding questions. I'm still not any closer to him, and at this rate I'll never be. Can you help me, or am I forever doomed to be the girl who can lend you supplies/help with your homework/help with your classwork to everyone (especially to him)? Thanks.

-- Friend To All

Dear Friend,

Oh, sweetie. I'll bet they're nice to you. You, alas, have succeeded in making yourself totally indispensable. It's excellent to be kind and generous, but I worry that you worry that you have nothing to offer anyone besides erasers and a working knowledge of cell structure. So guess what: yes, that's how they think of you. They don't know [you] any better. And no one -- yourself included -- is giving you a chance. You're whiting yourself out with your own school supplies.

What to do? Start saying no? I'd love to suggest that, but I know it would be hard. It sounds rude, and yeah, then you might be doomed to be the mean girl who won't share highlighters. So how about you start saying yes to other things, too? To questions you ask yourself, such as: haven't you always wanted to play the flute? Wouldn't you like to speak up more at Current Events Club? Seriously. This is not just dorky "Find a hobby!" advice. It's a way to give that boy and your classmates something to work with besides supplies and answers. Become known -- even, for starters, to yourself -- as the new girl at swimming, the "I never knew she could sing" girl. I know this is hard; I know that nothing smarts more than feeling adrift in high school. And my answers are not drops of Friendship Potion or some shiny ticket to popularity -- but do a lab on that, Friend, and you'll find that it's fool's gold, anyway. But the way things work in high school is precisely that people's identities and social circles get drawn not from who they are, but from what they do. Work with this. Tell folks -- the ones who've done their homework -- who really you are by doing what you love.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Also -- while this is not a replacement for Actual friendships -- don't overlook the internet (say, here) for a place to get those chit-chat hang-out close-enough companionship muscles working. And when people are online, they don't need paper.

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