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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a woman in a conundrum. I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for a collective period of almost 2 years but we've been friends for more like 4 and I care about him a whole lot, maybe even love him, but my situation is this: he makes a significant amount of money more than I do and he has less financial responsiblity than I do. One of the reasons that we broke up in the past was because he wouldn't pay for our dates -- he would just pay for himself 99.9% of the time and then there was always that slim percentage of time when he would pick up the check for the both of us. When we got back together this most recent time, we had this money discussion in which he told me that he felt, in the past, that he was being used, and I told him that I felt, in the past, like a slut, because whores get paid. Well, that took him aback and he said that he was sorry and never intended for that to happen and that he understood my situation. I told him that I would be happy to pick up the check on occasion, like once a week, but that I couldn't do it all the time. We agreed and things were fine until this past weekend.

What happend, in a condensed version, was this. By the way, he eats out a lot of nights because his roommate eats his food, so he doesn't keep much in his house. Thursday night we went out and he paid. Friday night we went out and when the check came, he just kind of toyed with his food and all, and then after about 10 minutes of this, I picked up the check and got out my wallet. Then he got out his wallet and started trying to pay me for his part, but I told him that I'd get it. On Saturday, I had to borrow his car while mine was in the shop, and I dropped him off at work and noticed that the gas gauge was on Empty and so I went and put gas in his tank. When I picked him back up he tried to pay me back for this gas, but I told him not to worry about it. Then we had to go and pick out presents for a baby shower and we decided that we would split the cost of the gifts. So, the total of that came to $44. He, without giving me a chance, pulled out his checkbook and wrote them a check.

That night, after the babyshower/beer bash, we went to get something to eat. The check comes again, and he justs sits there and toys with his food. Finally, he asks me if I can pick up the check? I asked him why and he said that if I would pick up the check then I wouldn't need to pay him back for the babygifts. The total of the check came to $32.40. So, I ended up paying for my part of the babygift, which was totally fine, that's what I agreed to, and then my dinner when I had paid for the both of us already the night before, bought him gas for his car (he's never offered to buy me gas when his car was in the shop and he used mine), and oh, did I mention, I had to pay for him to park his car the weekend before because it was going to get towed unless it was moved and his band was in the middle of a set and I had to go move it -- and I told him not to worry about paying me back for that either?

I live paycheck to paycheck and he has a lot of extra money to horde and do what ever he wants to with. I know that I am not his financial responsibility and that it's not fair for me to expect him to spend all his money on me, and I don't. But I've asked around, men and women, and it seems that the majority of the time, it is the men who pick up the check. Especially when there's such a gap between incomes. If the situation was reversed, I would be the one picking up the check most of the time, because I would be trying to take care of him and do for him what I could. I don't ask for money to pay bills or rent or anything like that, just that when he asks me to dinner, which is usually 4 or 5 nights a week, that he picks up the check the majority of the time. I honestly can't afford to eat out that much and pay for myself much less him too. I go to school full time and work full time and I do the best that I can.

He says stuff like he plans on continuing this relationship into the future, but this cheap routine is getting to be old. I'm not sure what to do except that when he calls to ask me to go out, I'm going to tell him that I can't afford to go out that particular night and that also, I can go out to eat one night on the weekend and if he says that he'll pick up the check, then OK I'll go. If not, I'll stay at home and he can come by when he's through eating. I'm not sure what else to do. Like I said before, I know that I'm not his responsibility financially but also he knows that I'm continuously strapped for cash, and yet, he pulls the crap that he did Saturday night. Everything else in our relationship is really good except for this.

Help me BG. Am I wrong? Is it going to get better? Is there something else I can do to make it better? I don't want to seem like a user, because I'm not, but, I just feel like he is a cheap-ass and he doesn't want to step up to his responsiblity of having a girlfriend, at least financially, when I feel like I do for him as much as I can, but I don't expect to be repaid in cash but just the same amount of consideration.

--Amy

Dear Amy,

Here is the part I just can't get around: "He eats out a lot of nights because his roommate eats his food." What, does your boyfriend live with a mouse? This is one of the weirdest -- not to mention lamest -- things I've ever heard, and I think it's just as significant in this letter as all the nickel-and-diming about the baby shower, etc.

In other words, there's a lot of treating the symptom going on here. Now, I know houses and roommates and pantries -- and, of course, money -- are charged, complicated , more-than-meets-the-eye issues. But two adults should be able to figure out how their food supplies can co-exist, much as two adults should be able to at least discuss how their imbalanced incomes can coexist. Your being forthright about what you can and can't afford is a good idea, but I'm not so sure that you two should deal on the level of bartering and scheduling and calculating until you've dealt on the level of sharing and caring and responsibility and manners. And until you've figured out where your gumption goes when it's payback time. AND until you've figured out where you two can go that does not involve The Coming of the Check. I don't care how small a town you two live in. Rent movies. Read to each other. Make stuff. Learn the constellations. Investigate low-minimum mutual funds. Teach yourselves to cook. Hey, fix dinner for the roommate. But train him to, like, ring a bell first or something.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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