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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been with a guy for over 19 months. He is so irresponsible -- he has worked only 3 months of the 19. I'm trying to get him back on his feet. I'm being nice because he moved across the country to be with me. But I'm tired of paying his bills and mine. I want him gone, but help me -- I wanna be nice about this.

-- Lynn

Dear Lynn,

Hmm. Maybe he does have some quid pro moi going on in his mind: "I pay the one-time financial and spiritual cost of moving, she pays ... everything else." It's Good to be Nice, yes, but by doing him these favors -- for over a year! -- you are not doing him any favors. I'll bet you he's not exactly saying "Yay, me!" either about not working. And paying his Sega bill -- "for one last time" -- is not helping: his self-determination, your well-being, or the relationship.

See, duh, "it's not about the money." It's not that much of a leap to think that if Mr. Potato is not doing much work at the office, then he's not doing much work at the relationship. And you are equally busted for doing/allowing/enabling too much. Seems like you've worked less than the other 16 months at establishing/demanding Objectively Fair deals and deadlines. "Nice," maybe. But was this plan to "get him back on his feet" (from their place on the footrest) really ... a retainer? As in, you no pay, he no stay?

So. You don't owe him anything except common-denominator kindness, respect, and civility. You owe yourself much more.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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