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Dear Breakup Girl,

Oh, BG, I hope you're ready for this one ... I have been dating Blue for almost three years now. I met him during my senior year of college (he's 26, I'm 23). We completely fell for each other on our first date and have had many insanely romantic moments together since. I graduated one year after he did in college, so we've been through the long distance relationship sagas as well. We constantly talked about eloping and being together forever -- gag me, gag me, I know, but it was beautiful -- all "Princess Bride" and "Wings of Desire" wrapped up in one glorious "He's gotta be THE proverbial ONE" package.

So, then our first Christmas together, he tells all our friends, particularly our blabbermouth friends, that he has some special surprise. Everyone was telling me he was going to propose. Forgive me, but I was hopeful. So, on Christmas we sat together opening our presents and .... VOILA! an art book!?!?!?!?! It was an impressionist art book, very nice, sure, I liked it ... BUT WHERE WAS THE RING? I let it go and we continued on with our relationship. I shared my feelings and he claimed money was the issue and he hadn't planned enough for it. So, we looked at rings and I picked out the ring I liked and he was just as excited as I am about all of it, unless he's a very good liar ... and he's not.

Then about six months later, I graduate from college and after my graduation party, Blue lured me up to his apartment and gave me a beautiful small jewelry box. Inside was an Irish Claddah ring. He went through the "I love you ... you mean the world to me ... I can't live without you" speech and determined that with that ring we were pre-engaged. To make a long story short (too late), we decided to keep it between us (not tell our parents/family/friends) and plan for the full engagement, which I still assumed, especially after confirmation from him, was in the near future.

Another Christmas went by. I got a job three hours away. We survived the long distance relationship again successfully. Then nine months later, I took a step up in my career and it was conveniently closer to him.

Since then, our relationship has been slowly creeping downhill. We spent too much time together, not focusing on ourselves at all.

Then one day, out of the blue, we're going for a drive to dinner arguing about nothing and he stops the car and pops the question, giving me a ring. The whole situation seemed forced, so I said no, explaining to him how I felt that we've grown apart and need to re-think how we're doing together. I was working at a really fun, young company and making friends -- guys and girls -- left and right. Guys started to have crushes on me and for the first time in my relationship with Blue, I started noticing other boys. Blue was wallowing in self-pity and I felt like I was being dragged down into this deep, dark black hole. He had a good job, but he complained about it constantly. I introduced him to friends at work. They got along amazingly well, but when we'd go out dancing, he'd just sit and sulk in a corner.

So, I was pretty harsh, telling him that he needed to figure out his life and be happy again. I was trying to be encouraging. Blue's parents are divorced and a big sore spot with him is his dad. He really hasn't been there for Blue at all throughout his life. He was supposed to be his role model. I come from a still happily married, Brady Bunch family so I can never fully understand what he's going through, but I have listened and left my heart and mind open.

So, Blue and I don't talk for about a week and during this time, a friend from work is making extreme passes at me. I don't mind them until they get too close and then I get uncomfortable -- my heart is still with Blue. In the meantime, Blue gets a second job and is getting some self-esteem back. I am amazingly happy for him and we start spending more time together, working things out. This lasts for about two weeks.

Then Blue leaves for a business trip to NYC. He has extra time to himself on this trip and is planning on enjoying the sights and museums. He calls when he arrives there and leaves me a message saying he'll call.

I don't hear from him for the next four days. When he gets back, I'm steaming mad. He asks me to dinner that night. I agree to go. He's 40 minutes late for dinner. I'm even madder.

As I'm sitting there at the dinner table, I wonder who this man is that I'm talking to. His mannerisms, the way he eats, everything is different like he's been posessed by an alien being. And he proceeds to tell me how he doesn't want to see me anymore and that I should return the Christmas presents I bought for him and how he just needs to be by himself to figure himself out. I was in SHOCK! ... especially when he asked me for the keys to his apartment back and told me maybe everything he said during our relationship was a lie because he didn't know who he really was and maybe he was just trying to make me happy.

I was in serious pain. I called him for a week demanding to know what happened in NYC, how he could do this, why he wouldn't fight for us, why he's just giving up. All he could say was "I don't know," "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I just need to be all me for a while." I couldn't understand how he could tell me he loved me deeply consistently for three years and then leave for a four day business trip only to come back with his feelings turned off like a faucet and shun me from his life -- the only person that was supportive in whatever he did as opposed to his family members and other friends.

It's been about two weeks or so now and I'm doing ok. I talked to his best friend from college and she said he's blaming me for their falling out and other things. He 's a completely different person -- very selfish.

I am desperately trying to reach closure but I don't know how to do it without answers from him. I am slightly terrified of being alone. I convinced myself I wasn't going to have to date again. I loved so many things about him ... but there were also things about him that drove me crazy. I feel like I have to keep that in the back of my head to survive.

Today, I finished reading "Missing Angel Juan" by Francesca Lia Block and had a revelation of my own: I'm letting him go. But it's harder than I think. I can't get him out of my head sometimes. I still want to go over to his house and tell him exciting things that are happening in my life. He was my best friend. We shared everything. I hate not having him to call when things are great ... or I see something that reminds me of him ... or when I know he's the only one that would appreciate my news. I second guess every move I make, because I don't think he'll understand anything until he gets enough time on his own. I am afraid to trust anybody else for fear that they are going to change their minds after dating for three years. I trusted Blue the most out of everyone I ever knew and to have this happen really messes with my head. I can't figure it out.

Please, Breakup Girl, how do I move on? I have been trying to spend time with friends, family, do things I enjoy doing but never had time for. It's still hard though. I know time will erase him from my memory, but I can't help but feel that one day he'll be back. Will I be there? Who knows. And how do I trust anybody again? Where do I find someone who is as much my soulmate as he was? Could I ever go back to Blue knowing that in the back of my head I will always remember how much he hurt me? I'm desperate to move on and be happy for him in his self-discovery process, but I'm still crushed like a tin can over this whole thing. I think I have come to the realization that I did nothing wrong, but then WHY?

Is the truth out there, Breakup Girl? Is it really forever over between Blue and me? I need someone to be honest with me.

-- Ms. Scarlet

Dear Ms. Scarlet,

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow.

Just for the record, the New York City Convention and Visitors' Bureau has asked me to point out that Blue's apparent discoloration could have happened anywhere.

And what exactly did happen? Who knows. I can pretty much assure you, though, that he didn't, like, make a sudden, out-of-the-you-know-what decision upon getting here. I think that for whatever reason, the change of context is what made a decision-in-progress finally gel.

The other thing I can assure you is that your own fallout -- the questions of trust, moving on, second-guessing, etc. -- are so totally completely normal. So are the things he did and said, like, gulp, about the relationship being a "lie" and stuff. But these things are not True or Real. As far as both of you are concerned, this is your brain on breakups.

Especially, yes, because you don't know Why. As you say: "I am desperately trying to reach closure but I don't know how to do it without answers from him." Again, again, again, as infuriating as this is, that is not where to look. Try this uncomfortable one on: his "answers" and your closure are unrelated. Unrelated. Consider this: isn't it possible that some "answer" from him could raise -- even create -- brand new hey-wait-a-minute you-felt-that-way you-thought-I-did-what how-come-you-didn't-bring-this-up-before issues to resolve? One step forward, blue steps back.

So how you move on is: You allow yourself longer than a few weeks to steady yourself after the end of a three-year relationship. You allow yourself to ask these questions; you force yourself to realize that they're rhetorical, emotional reports, not inquiries with answers. You read your way through the Weetzie Bat series, you spend time with others, you write to Breakup Girl. You notice that when you do, you state that memories of Blue are in the "back" of your head. Yes. They're not going anywhere; they're part of your grey matter. But they're also not in front of you. They can be around without being in your way. One day again, yeah, it'll be Ms. Scarlet in the library with the hottie.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Are you listening, Dustin B. and Annie? Same goes for you two, to the max. Yes, your exes owe you humongous explanations. But no, that's not your free ride to closure. Have a summit, sure. The rest, however, is up to you. (And no, Annie, he can't be the [only] one to "help you through this.") And -- since 4/10 years is a long time -- maybe also a short-term gig with a professional closure-helper. Okay?

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