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Dear Breakup Girl,

This'll be long, so brace yourself, BG. So I've been having this problem with dating lately: I've been getting many brushoffs, the same kind of brushoffs, and I'm wondering if it's me or them (so to speak).

To explain: My ex gave me the "silent treatment" as a means of dumping me -- wouldn't call back (this is now a HUGE pet peeve of mine), wouldn't call at all, but was perfectly pleasant and acted as if nothing were wrong if he was home when I called. To make a long story short, I dumped him via letter (to make sure he got it), saying that I wasn't going to hang around on this yo-yo any more, burning my bridges, etc. Fine, over it, moving on.

The next guy post-breakup (#1) was just sweet as can be to me at first. I met him at summer school, then when I moved back home for the rest of the break we agreed to go out Labor Day weekend, when he could leave town 'cause he wouldn't have to work. Days after he was supposed to call/tell me the plans, he calls saying that he has to cancel (too much work to do-- somehow this seemed off to me after him saying he wouldn't have to. It wasn't a huge paperwork job either), but he did want to come see me, etc, call him back. I leave a message as he said to -- he doesn't call back ever. I get all titchy and say, "The heck with this, if he can't call back, forget it, I'm not gonna call asking if he forgot to call, I did that enough with the ex." (I loved what you said to Sheila about "it's about manners." Right on.)

Guy #2 I was trying to get to know before I did anything (and I thought he had a crush on me too, as he was checking me out a lot), and when I recently had a big crisis going on, he was extremely nice and helpful about it, to the point of letting me follow him around while he was doing errands because I didn't want to go back home alone. A few days later I need to talk to him again, make an appointment to talk to him when he gets off work. However, I go down there and he walks off -- apparently his work wasn't over with after all, despite what he told me before (and really, is it too much to say "I gotta work late tonight, come back tomorrow?" I think not!) -- only it was pretty obvious that he was blowing me off -- and this guy's very smart, so I find it hard to believe that he forgot that, especially since I'd been in and out of his place of work all night in a tizzy (long story as to why). Now he acts as if nothing happened.

Ugh! Over it, moving on.

Guy #3 I had a date with, it went well, we set up another date for after the holidays (he went out of town until then), were fast-n-furious e-mailing until one day he stops and never writes me again. (And no, his e-mail ain't broke, his connection didn't die, no excuse there) Again, I am annoyed about it (I assume the date's off, but I'm not gonna bother e-mailing to ask!).

My questions:

1. Is it that everyone around me is a jerk, or is it me? I've asked around, and everyone (with ONE exception) has said that it wasn't me. But since this has happened FOUR times, I think I've got to be at fault somewhere here. Or is it just that I have a pattern of going for people who seem to be nice and are really jerks deep down? I don't think I did anything terrible to scare off any of these people, wasn't hugely attached-acting, albeit I said a few flippant things that now my nasty back-pedaling mind is now saying "maybe that turned him off, I was too flirtatious, too easy, something." However, it seems to be that just after things start going well with the person -- date scheduled, romantic evening, getting closer, I'm actually thinking that I can trust the person to not be a jerk like the last one(s) -- is when they decide to never speak to me again. Or maybe I'm just overreacting?

The one person who thinks it is my fault is, surprise, my own mother, who keeps saying stuff like "Maybe he didn't get the message, maybe you should call him again, maybe he forgot again," just like she did with my ex. Since unlike my ex, the other three actually have some intelligence, I am loath to fall for this bs again.

2. Any tips as to how to suss out who's likely to be a silent dumper/secret jerk, preferably before dating them? I obviously have NO people radar at all and wouldn't know a nice guy if he went up to me and announced that he was a nice guy (then again, would I believe him at this point? No).

Frankly, I'm getting sick of this problem and don't know how to solve it, to the point where I'm seriously considering making "Not dating" my New Year's Resolution (I almost put it down on your list too, then figured you wouldn't like it at all).

-- Ms. Parker

Dear Dorothy,

Yes: not calling is not polite. And I disagree with Mom Parker. Courting is one thing; cajoling is another. You don't have time for the latter.

But I wonder if you're rushing the former. First of all, don't misunderstand me: it's not like this "pattern" is Your Fault. But let's face it, Not Calling is a standard, if ungraceful, way of ending things. Or, in this case, not really starting them. And if you think about it, it's not that ungraceful if there's really not that much to end yet. Yes, it's rude to cancel via telepathy. But it's also weird to call up and say, "I know we're not dating yet, but let's not." The fadeout is an imperfect middle ground.

And about the rushing part. Bells -- if not ringing phones -- went off for me in two parts of your letter. One was the stuff about Guy #2 and your crisis; the other was the part(s) about guys being stealth jerks until proven otherwise. Look, I would NEVER use the phrase "too much" in terms of someone's, like, personality; people should be as "much" as they want, others can take them or leave them. But there is such a thing as someone's approach being too much. Too much, too soon. Maybe I'm missing some crucial information, but it seems to me that when you're "getting to know" someone, that's not prime time for you to be doing errands with them and lurking around their workplace and "needing" to talk to them. This kind of thing might, yes, scare someone off. Likewise, Guy #X -- even if you are not too "attached-acting" -- might somehow sense this lurkiness, well, lurking. Or, likewise, might somehow sense that you're testing him, daring him, putting him on jerk probation, now that your guard is up so high. Might not be anything you say or do overtly; might be a vibe thing. Which also means it might be hard for you to identify and smooth out. But think about it, okay?

So yeah, I don't recommend Not Dating as a New Year's Resolution. On the contrary -- I recommend: having dates. One, then another, then maybe another after that. If there's interest. Or at least curiosity. On both parts. No "fast-and-furious e-mailing" in-between, certainly no workplace visits. Instead, use the time to figure out why you're not going to tried/true friends for the Guy #2 type-crisis. Are they there? Make sure you're making dates with them, too.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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