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Dear Breakup Girl,

Three weeks ago, a guy phoned up out of the clear blue sky, looking for my brother. He turned out to be S.N., a guy who used to live next door to my Granddad, whose sister I used to hang out with in the summers.

I always fancied him, but he was 3 years older than me, which is a big deal when one of you is 12. Well, we had our first real conversation ever and got on really well. I went to meet him with my brother, we all went out to a club, stayed up talking till 6:30, the works.

I rang him up for his sister's number and asked him out for coffee. He accepted, but had to take a rain check because he had to go and look at a house. (He has to move soon.) When I rang again, we provisionally rearranged it, but he had to stay in to wait for a guy to fix the boiler. (My brother's been to his house and he says it's freezing, so I don't think this is a lie).

He's only just back in the country after 14 years spent abroad, so should I just wait for him to call? Y'see, his phone conversations always last at least half an hour and aren't at all stilted, and he sounds pleased to hear from me, so why hasn't he called?

His outlook on life is very attractive to me, he's very kind and gentle and we get on really well. He works with emotionally and/or mentally disturbed teenagers and I'm a teacher. He's well read and very interesting in conversation, but has very little formal education, as his backround was poor and he had to leave school early. (His father was an alcoholic and they never had any money.) In comparison, I come from a much more comfortable background, and have 2 post-graduate qualifications. This doesn't bother me, but I'm wondering if it would bother him.

He used to have a huge chip on his shoulder during his late teens, mainly caused by his father, but is a completely different person now. He's very open about his family background, and doesn't seem resentful of our differences. He's charming, funny, kind, smart, and a good listener. (Did I mention he was a serious cyclist with abs of steel?)

He'll be hanging around with my brother a lot from now on, as they're both cycling nuts, so if anything went wrong, it could get very embarrassing.

Should I call him again and try to rearrange the cup of coffee, or is it tantamount to harrassment to call the guy 3 times?

-- Sheila-na-gig

Dear Sheila,

Your question makes me think of something New York comedian Jody Wasserman likes to say: "I've had it. If a guy doesn't call me back, I call him again. I say, 'Hi, I'm returning my call.'"

Which is to say: yes, you can call him again. ONCE. He can't come through after that, you step away from the phone. This is not a girl-game thing. I'd tell you the same thing if you were a guy asking about a girl, or a guy, or whatever. Yes, I do take kind of a hard line on this one: it's about initiative, it's about manners. You don't want to date someone who lacks both. Right?

Which is also to say: EVERYONE: RETURN CALLS. And if you break a plan -- and would like to reschedule -- then just do it. Otherwise, you'll get people analyzing your background and your upbringing in a public forum such as this. Not worth it.

But to be fair, Sheila, this guy's just back in the country and probably feeling very scattered. To be fair, he may still think of you as that kid who used to hang out with his sister. To be fair, the line I'm taking here is hardened a bit by the fact that it seems like you'll probably see him around anyway. So maybe forget a formal coffee date for now and try easing into it with impromptu hanging out? Maybe put down the phone and pick up ... cycling?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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