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Dear Breakup Girl,

The best way to describe how I feel now is... miserably confused. Four months ago I got a crush on one of my work colleagues. Luckily, he felt the same, and within a month we began seeing each other. It lasted for two months only. We broke up for a lot of reasons, the main one, which I shared with him, was readiness for commitment (marriage). He had said that he wouldn't be ready for another 4 years. I told him that assuming all worked well between us, I couldn't wait that long. To be honest, I think I used that as an excuse, for a lot of little doubts I had about the relationship. Anyway, we have continued as friends, he wants me back, and every once in a while we get together for a major make-out session. He totally turns me on, and I enjoy it tremendously.

On the other hand, one of my guy friends, whom I get along with really well, and all our friends think we are compatible, has also expressed his interest in me for a long-term commited relationship. To make matters worse, guy number 1 tells me he has now re-evaluated his life and will be ready for the commitment in 2 years, not 4, as he said earlier. I am so totally torn between both guys. I am more physically attracted to guy 1 than to guy 2. I know I'm beginning to sound like an emotionless b$tch, but it's not true. I'm not just after marriage, but after so many failed relationships, I only want to minimize the risk, i.e. only start something with someone who is emotionally ready to see it through. And now it seems that both are ready for this. I don't know what to do, and I can't make up my mind. There are some things that I like about each, I almost feel like if I could combine both guys in one, I would have found my ideal man. I hope your answer to me isn't leave both of them; neither fulfill me on their own. The reason for that is I feel like I will be really losing out on some great guys with qualities I don't know if I will ever be able to find again. I like the intense love one of them has for me, and I like the financial stability of the other. One fits in really well my friends (after all he is one of them), and the second doesn't mesh in with them (they don't even like him very much). In a moment of weakness I agreed to give it another try with guy number 1 from work, but after a talk with guy 2, I'm not so sure. Please help, before my mind bursts.

--Truly Confused

P.S. Neither guy knows the extent of the other guy's presence in my life.

Dear Truly Confused,

Four years? Two years? What is this guy, some kind of commitment locust?

Look, Truly, I'm not going to come out and tell you to dump them both, but I'm also not going come out and tell you which one not to dump. Instead, I am going to tell you to check your priorities/reasoning -- about these guys, or any.

I'm all for financial stability. But it's no substitute for "intense love." Then again, "the intense love that one of them has for [you]" holds no promise of stability unless your love is there to balance things out. Is it? Really? Because "What if I don't find someone else?" is not love, it's nerves.

But it's clear that you are genuinely in one of those head-spinning, mind-bursting spirals where your brain is operating in some realm beyond logic and reason and lucidity. That's why you need a second opinion. And you had one before you wrote to Breakup Girl. Look, I don't really have a bias about which guy you should choose -- if anything, you busted me with your suspicion that I might say you don't sound all that amped about either. But -- you said it yourself -- your friends seem to be able to help out with the tie-/deal-breaker you need to hear. Talk to them. They know these guys; they know you. See what they really think. Sounds to me like it's your friends, not your boyfriends, first and foremost, who can fulfill your needs.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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