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THANKS FOR SHARING II

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's a depressing one for you. I went out with this woman for a bit over four years; we broke up seven or eight months ago. The relationship was terrific in most ways--though, much as we loved each other, we didn't quite connect sexually most of the time. (A sad truth: love will make mediocre sex acceptable, but it can't make it great.) The breakup, for unrelated reasons, was a good idea and relatively amicable, too. Also, we're (unavoidably) in the same place a few times a week and have lots of friends in common, so it's pretty necessary for us to keep peace and lines of communication open between us whatever happens.

So she's finally hooked up with a new guy, and theoretically I'm happy for her. But here are the catches: 1) The new guy is one of my, like, two male friends--almost all of my friends are women. 2) The ex is now incapable of sustaining conversation for more than 90 seconds on any topic other than how she's now having the best sex of her entire life and is just over the moon about it. (On the one hand, I'm theoretically happy for her about this also, and it's probably healthy for me to have something to keep my ego in check etc.; on the other, it's ripping me up that she instantly has a level of attraction to him that she never had to me, and it makes it awfully hard for me to talk to New Guy without clouds of red coming in over my eyes, too.) 3) The ex has been blowing me off when we've arranged to meet up, saying that she has to work, then blowing off her work instead to see New Guy, then accusing me of blowing her off, then (when I call her on this) telling me that she's glad I'm telling her this because "maybe it's important for me to go through an anger stage," then saying that she's really worried because she's been blowing off all this work to see New Guy, and asking me for advice.

What the hell?

What is the appropriate response to this?

-- Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

About #2. "Theoretically happy?" "Healthy for me?" What-EVER. Good try, but don't even: her too-much-information is inexcusable. Totally.

I understand that you two need to keep the peace.

Maybe trying to be "friends " is not the way to do it?

Looks to me like it's making things worse. I am sure that you had a mostly terrific relationship, real love, and an amicable breakup. But all you're doing now is needling, testing, and badgering each other (and it's making things worse between you and New Guy too). How about you and Over the Moon each other only when you see each other? How about you don't sustain conversation for more than 90 seconds (no "advice!") ? How about you practice saying those three magic words: "Please don't share?"

So how about sitting down and insisting, kindly but firmly, on these limits to this Freedom of Information Act? Pun -- "Act" -- intended. Don't waste your energy trying to so hard to prove that you can deal.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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