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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I were very, very serious, he took my virginity, and we were talking about marriage. Over Spring Break, I went to Italy for 10 days, and when I get back, I find this: My boyfriend has moved in with his real mother (she is on drugs, cheats on her husband every day, drinks 24/7, etc.) She decided that she wanted her son to date one of her friends, so she told him that if he didn't break up with me, she would have him arrested for statutory rape (I am 15, he is 18). Some mother, huh? We are both still in love with each other but we can't do anything about it. My parents hate him now because they don't know the whole story, and they won't listen either. His mother now has him on drugs and he is drinking way too much. I am more worried about him than anything else. I want to move on, but I can't because of the way things ended. When I got back from Italy, he didn't contact me for 10 days, and his mother changed their telephone number so that I couldn't contact him either. Finally, he got the chance to sneak and call me. There is no way that we can get back together, but we were sooooooo happy together. I had the best time of life when I was with him, and those times are all that I can think about now. What am I to do?

He was much better off with me; also, I was helping him get his GED, he had a job, he didn't do drugs, he didn't drink often, and only if he had my "permission." What should I do now? We decided to save what is left and try to be friends, but will the communication make it worse for us? Please help!!!

-- A

Dear A,

Yeah, this is the one (see disclaimer) that isn't funny at all.

Clearly his home situation is a living hell and, well, I don't even know where to start with his mom. But, as Belleruth, BG's resident psychotherapist, commented, "he's an adult in most states, and, at 18, he really can't blame his mother for all his actions." She said it might help you to know that, and that you could encourage him to get out of that house and get help for himself in some kind of subsidized adolescent/older teen residential treatment center. If he can't do that, he can certainly get a ton of support and a sponsor with resources at Alcoholics Anonymous.

Belleruth also wondered, gently, if somehow you're grooving on the idea of rehabilitating him. She said, "every 15 year old deserves at least one Florence Nightingale romance. However, I'd warn you not to make a habit of collecting these junior reprobates."

Hope that's not too harsh, and that it gives you a place to start. I know that you are DYINGDYINGDYING to be the one to make it all better. Keep in mind that while he is your boyfriend, and I believe that he loves you, he is also a separate person, and there's only so much you can "get him" to do. And for a while, yeah, this craziness with his family may override his focus on you -- logistically and emotionally. You may have to grit your teeth and understand that. If I were you, I'd do what you can to support him as a caring friend, not as a Nightingale in shining armor. And in your spare time, keep an eye out for a cute beau who was already doing fine before you showed up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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