< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

And, finally,

Looks: Again...and Again.

Okay, I'm glad that column has generated such heartfelt, inspired reponses -- but I'm afraid that if I don't stop addressing Looks, that Swedish boy I mentioned last week really is going to think that's all Americans talk about. Still, the following comments were too good not to share.

Here's a shout-out to Meghan from last week from Brad from June 8:

Just let Meghan know that not all guys are complete morons....not all guys aren't attracted to girls that wear glasses. In fact, if there's something that's going to make me look at a girl with greater frequency, it's if she's wearing glasses. You're obviously right -- glasses make a girl look smart, and smart, to SOME guys, equals sexy. I'd much rather have a girl that I can have fun, intellectual conversations with than a stupid girl that has serious trouble remembering her Social Security number. Therefore, if I see a girl with glasses, I'm generally immediately interested in getting to know her..... Well, I guess not all guys are freaks of nature like me. Just tell Meghan that they ARE out there. I'm not the ONLY guy of my kind...

And here's one for all the Looks folks from a frequent correspondent and dissertation-procrastinator (gotta-say-it disclaimer: remember, this is sound -- but not necessarily Officianl Medical -- advice.):

Hi BG, it's the loony Norma Desmond Clone again...

I was tempted to respond to your "looks" column last week, then decided that it would be silly and self-indulgent and besides I really needed to get this current chapter to my supervisor. Well, it's a week later, the chapter is still undone, and you are still dealing with the "Looks" issue, so the hell with it, I'm going to be self-indulgent.

The three letters in your Looks column (from Sunkissed, the 15 year old, Bobby, the 19 year old with scoliosis, and from "Nothing Like the Sun/Writer Boy") all seem to deal with the same issue -- but I think the roots of all three problems are quite different.

Sunkissed's problem, poor kid, is that she's 15. Period. Adolescence is the worst possible filter through which to view one's appearance; I don't think there's a single 15 year old on the planet who doesn't think, in her secret heart of hearts, that her nose is weird, her skin appalling, her thighs gross and that she is, in general, a refugee from the planet Dorkozoid in need of immediate vaporization. You know this, of course, and your advice was spot-on -- naturally she shouldn't have plastic surgery, since the problem isn't her looks but the way she feels about her looks. Writer Boy's advice, that she take up dancing as something absorbing and fun and exciting, was helpful; I'd like to add that one of the problems may be the social pigeonhole that she occupies in her school -- if she's been labeled "a dog," a loser, or just "not a babe", she's not going to get a lot of action. Peer pressure and social status carry much more weight than looks, in high school. Starting up a new activity, though, will put her into a newsocial context, in which there may be kids who will see her as cool, funny, pretty, what have you. (Remember the Simpsons episode in which Lisa, on vacation at the beach, made a new set of friends who thought she was *really* hip? That's the sort of thing I'm thinking of.)

Writer Boy's mole, on the other hand, isn't about confidence, body image, self respect, or anything else -- it's just a mole. Given this, I'd say he should get the sucker removed. In the first place, it's a biggish mole on an area of his body that's continually exposed to the sun, and is thus the sort of thing that can turn to skin cancer. There are legitimate medical reasons for taking it off. Second, he's asking about it, which means it bugs him, and none of us need any more hitches in our self-image than we can help. And finally, if he decides to take it off, makes the dermatologist appointment, and awakes in a cold sweat the night before the operation thinking "Wait! What am I *doing*!! I just won't be the same guy without my mole!" he'll know where he stands, and he can keep it.

The final letter is a little bit different. Bobby is both physically disabled (scoliosis) and facially scarred (cleft palate surgery). This is heavy-duty stuff, and although I'm not sure I should be going up against the real-deal Dr. Belleruth, I'd like to make some suggestions to supplement hers. The short form is that, although the suggestion of meeting women on the internet is a good one, the problem is based on his body image and needs to be dealt with physically as well. Although he may meet people on the net, he'll still feel like he's physically inadequate, like he's hiding behind the computer to meet girls (which would be true, frankly).

Some context: my mother has MS, and has spent the last 20 years in a wheelchair. Because she's been in and out of various PT programs and institutions, I've had a chance to see some of the difficulties (both emotional and physical) experienced by people who have to deal with apparatuses, chairs, crutches, braces, etc. Guys, in particular, have a real problem with disablities since so many of our ideas of masculinity are rooted in issues of power and physical mastery -- men are supposed to be big and strong, which feels kind of hard to pull off when you're in a wheelchair or have to use leg braces and crutches to get around.

One solution is to displace energy and self-esteem into intellectual achievement, or creative activity. But (or also) one of the things that therapists at rehab centres do with teens and adults who are paralyzed or otherwise disabled is to restore as much physical mastery -- and physical confidence -- as they can. Weight training, wheelchair sports, skydiving (no kidding), ultralight flying lessons -- anything and everything that can make a guy feel like a guy (and a gal like a gal) are encouraged.

I know next to nothing about scoliosis, other than that it's treated during adolescence with spinal surgery or godawful neck and body braces that look like medieval torture devices, and that it can cause much pain -- so it may produce limitations that make what I'm about to suggest impossible. But if he can, Bobby needs to start lifting weights (body building would be a good idea) or swimming or doing some other type of fairly intensive physical training. If he can own his body in some form, feel powerful, and have some sense of himself as more than just a broken guy who needs a brace to stand up straight, he's going to feel a whole *hell* of a lot more like a sexy babe.

If he can't exercise, that is if physical exertion will make his spine curvature worse, then he should start sailing, or buy himself a motorcycle, or learn to fly; take some risks, have some fun, and learn to use his body as a vehicle for pleasure and adventure. Most teens do this naturally -- kids who are physically disabled are often out of the loop, heavily protected by their folks and their doctors, and so don't test their limits.

And then he needs to grow a moustache to cover up that cleft palate scar (guys are lucky, they can do this). And get a tan, a cool haircut (bleach his hair?) and some fashionable clothes. If he does all this,he will still be a 19 year old (or a 20 year old, or a 21 year old) with scoliosis and a cleft palate scar -- but he will also have 15 inch biceps, a sense of adventure and a much different view of himself. I strongly suspect that a girlfriend (able bodied or disabled) would follow in short order.

I just realized that this is one of those hot-button issues, which is why I've written this immensely long screed. Bob's got some real hurdles (and I'm suggesting that he overcompensate to balance them out), but too often the "why can't a woman love me for myself" cry comes from perfectly able-bodied men who nonetheless put no effort into their appearance. According to these guys, Real Men don't groom themselves, exercise, deal with their acne, get decent haircuts, wear fashionable clothes, develop decent conversational skills or know how to flirt. And then they wonder why women fight like cats over the (nasty) guys who flirt, wear cool clothes and know how to hold down a conversation, while ignoring them (the nice guys). Worse yet, they assume that Claudia Schiffer hasn't shown up on their doorstep begging for their love because "women are all so shallow." Could you just say, for the record, that there is nothing shameful or unmanly or artificial about maximizing what you have? A nice guy who buys some decent clothes, gets a good haircut and starts working out -- ie, struts a little -- isn't any less nice, he's just more *noticeable*. Call it window dressing, if you will -- just it makes it easier to notice what's *inside* the store.

Anyway, that's nicely taken care of both my morning and much of my afternoon. I guess I have to get to the thesis now, eh?

-- J.

BG responds: Thanks, J. We're glad you took a break. Now maybe Brad will bake you some cookies to get you through your next chapter. ; )

< PREVIOUS LETTER