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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm nearly 36 and I've never had any kind of relationship. I've never even been asked out. I'm a big gal, and when I was younger I thought that was the problem. But since I've gotten older I don't believe that, because I see other big women in relationships.

I have a male friend that I've known for over ten years. We don't live in the same town, but we talk on the phone and e-mail. He's a professional musician (we met when I attended one of his concerts), so we mainly see each other when I come to a show. A few years into our friendship, I realized that I was falling/had fallen in love with him, but he was getting married at that time so I just wrote it off to bad timing. We remained friends and I became friendly (on the phone) with his wife.

Within two years his marriage broke up. After that I let him know how I felt about him, and that I was there for him, for support, a listening ear, whatever he needed. We had several long, emotional conversations where he'd confide things to me that not even his family knew, and I tried my best to be a supportive friend without making him feel like I was biding my time to be his next girlfriend. He eventually did tell me that, while he cared for me deeply, he couldn't return my feelings. I let him know that I never expected him to, and it didn't change the way I felt about him. At one point, when he was upset over finding out his ex was seeing someone, I even encouraged him to date more.

I guess you can see this coming: he's now seriously involved with someone and it's destroying me. I really wish him all the best and want him to be happy -- I was just hoping that maybe he could be happy with me.

All my friends are telling me, "Okay, now you have to get over him." But I don't know if I can. In the seven or so years I've been in love with him, I've only ever met one other man who turned my head, and I felt guilty because I was so attracted to him! The truth of the matter is, I never meet anyone I'm interested in, and obviously no one I meet is interested in me. One of my friends told me that I've been so hung up on my Friend that I've been sending out "Taken" signals. I don't know about all that. It's not so much that I want to get married, or have a family (kinda late in the day for that, anyway), but sometimes it would be nice to have someone.

And it's pretty humiliating being a 35-year-old virgin (not that anyone knows that). I guess I'm not reconciled to the fact that my Friend will never return my feelings. I mean, I love him completely and he knows it, he cares about me very deeply and I know that. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just that he doesn't find me sexually attractive because I'm big. A couple times in the past, he and I have had a little kissin' 'n cuddlin', but at the time I figured he was just being sweet to me.

How can I get over him? Do I even want to get over him? How can I stop hoping there's still a chance? Should I lose weight and see if that changes anything? How do I make myself be interested in other men?

Help, I don't know what to do!

-- Dede

Dear Dede,

Oh, do not underestimate the power of the Taken Signal (though arguably, for some it's a definite draw). Remember, you felt guilty when Head Turner turned your head. I wouldn't be surprised if it showed.

Actually, I'd suggest that the Taken Signal is a draw...for you. As our own Belleruth observes, "I think you tip your hand when you say 'a few years into our friendship, I realized that I had fallen in love with him, but he was getting married at that time so I just wrote it off to bad timing.' That's not bad timing; it's excellent planning...by a psyche protecting itself from an actual relationship. Especially one that would require facing the long-building virginity issue. The longer you go without a relationship/sex, the more terrifying and 'impossible' it seems. So perhaps, in the current state of affairs, you're 'not able' to long for someone available."

And in the case of HT, perhaps, not able to go for. Did you duck away and write it off because of the "guilt?" And/or did you "decide" that he didn't LIKElike you? What do you mean "obviously" no one is interested? Don't mean to get too juvenile, but sometimes, when people are interested, they act...the opposite. People such as, say, you, if you'll notice. But/so you are so not alone as you think, either in terms of sistren or in terms of other potential HTs. (Heck, one of those "obviously not interested" could be at home typing right now, "Dear Breakup Girl, I don't know how to show people I'm interested...".)

So what to do? Well, keep doing a lot of what you're already doing. Activities, friends, personal style, general self-like. (Some people who write me are starting behind those squares of bedrock, so they're not to be underestimated/taken for granted.) Maybe try casting a wider net just for supply's sake; how about working your friendships here? As for a diet, well, losing weight will not fix your life, and it's not the main "problem" here -- though it might not be an unhealthy proposition. Your call. And finally, yeah, you should definitely consider talking to a pro who can help you chip away at what's become a debilitating resistance to sex and intimacy -- and perhaps remove that blindness to heads turning toward you. You can work through this, Dede. Hey, you never forget your first time, and it's never too late to have it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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