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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a wonderful man for the past two years, and we are seriously considering getting married next year. Sounds wonderful, but here's the problem: We are both in our late thirties and have elderly mothers. Our siblings do not live near by, and the problem we are struggling with is "where to live when we get married."

Jimmy has made it very clear that we must live in the same neighborhood as his mother because she is elderly, etc. I am not in love with this idea at all. When two people love each other, the couple usually decide where they are going to live together and compromises are met. But he thinks: either I live near by "Mommy-in-Law" or else there will be no future for us!

What comments/suggestions do you have to offer me?

-- Angela

Dear Angela,

That is wonderful! Especially because one of the bonus of having a partner is having backup on dealing gracefully with aging parents.

So let's see. Are you not in love with the idea of living near his mom, or are you not in love with the idea...that he's not so open to your ideas? 'Cause see, you haven't given me a solid reason why you can't live there (e.g. she lives in Queens, you're a professional logger). And if you think about it, "where to live when you get married" cannot necessarily be resolved via true "compromise" (e.g."I teach at UCLA, you teach at U. Conn. ... what say we settle in Boulder?"). Also, some people are nuttier/more stubborn about their mothers than others. Point is, sometimes, someone's way just gets gotten, and that's how it is.

So it could be that:

•  you are indeed willing, in practice, to live in Inlawville, in which case you take this one for the team, but suggest that you "get your compromise" in a different area (e.g. final word on choosing the house, etc.).

• living in his mom's 'hood would be a clear detriment to your livelihood, in which case you've got to bring that up with an eye toward, yes, compromise. Is there a city nearby that would work for you, but that would allow travel to her in a heartbeat?

• you're bristling, regardless of circumstances, at this ultimatum just planted in your yard like a For Sale sign. Well, did he really make it that absolute, or did/does it feel that way because you weren't asked? Do you sense that he's placing a new and deliberate speed bump between you and marriage, like the guy in Diner with the sports trivia test? Or is his making the big plans, no questions asked, the way things generally are? If those are the pertinent questions, then you may be about to close the deal on a fixer-upper.

Bottom line: You may or may not get your way, Angela, and case by case, that's not necessarily a problem; marriage, after all, does constitute a move to Fiduciary City. But -- I don't think this is the deal here, but I'll say it just in case -- if your partner's way is always the way, then and only then, maybe your way is the highway.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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