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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a happy relationship with a wonderful guy who is everything to me. We have been dating for three years, and are thinking of moving in together when he buys a house. The problem? His mother.

She has been very mean to me in the past, in a very passive-aggressive sort of way. She plays little games to see who can get Boyfriend to do more; acts insulted when I give her presents when we go to visit her; all sorts of things. She told Boyfriend's sister that she didn't like me, knowing that sister would tell Boyfriend. Boyfriend admits that she is mean to me, but when I ask him to help me out, he says, "I would never talk back to my mother."

Now, having respect for one's parents is a good thing, but this is someone I might marry, and I can't see myself putting up with this kind of crap all the time. He visits his parents every few months, and they come to see him about once a month. We currently have a system of me going with him four times a year, but if we live together it might look odd if I have to "work" every weekend that they come up or he goes to see them.

Recently, she's backed off and has been pretty nice to me. But after someone has shown the mean side of their character, I am far more cautious with them. It could be that she has changed her mind about me, but I don't believe it quite yet. So, if she goes back to her mean ways, what can I do? I think Boyfriend should get a bit of a spine and say something, but that might never happen. Is this a dealbreaker?

-- In Love with Mommy's Little Boy

Dear ILWMLB,

Sure, spine's good. But it can get pretty bendy around the very person/people whose genes helped build it.

That said, my hunch is that Boyfriend did say something (hence the backoff). Maybe he just didn't "admit it" to you. Lots of people are simultaneously defensive and critical of their parents, as in (to you): "Hey! Keep my mother out of this!" -- and -- (to mom) "Mom! Can you, like, NOT?" So: he may well be looking out for you, his way.

Thus: I can't see you "putting up with this kind of crap all the time," either. Meaning: it's not all the time. Annoying she may well be, but she doesn't live with you. And though she may fail to fill out some "...and a great mom, too" fantasy wedding package, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are already thinking about dealing in reality. Like, you have a system. And schedules. Which form the foundation of those all-important boundaries. Now, if Mother -- and Father (not to mention busybody Sister) -- start interfering in material ways, sure, that's another thing. But if this guy's that wonderful, you also may need to be willing to smile through clenched teeth and straighten up your spine, once a month. Sounds like he could use the backup, too.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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