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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

The time was never "right" for D. and me. We were too young when we first met; then he got married while I was busy traveling the world; then he got divorced and wanted to marry me. But during his marriage I had met my future husband, so on the rebound D. immediately married again. We have been in touch for 20 years and have dated on and off throughout our marriages (we're both still married, but not happily). We never had breakups per se, just changes of circumstances and weird "let's not do this for a while" types of conversations.

It seems crazy to detail 20 years of feelings for this guy, but all I can say is: I am pretty sure that if we were both to get divorced, we would be together. I feel like I need to know: am I just fantasizing that he's The One? Is there such a thing? Is there any way to know without divorcing my husband?

Is the love of my life (who I've had on-again, off-again affairs with for 20 years, since I was 14-years-old) really the love of my life or just some huge, ridiculous fantasy?

-- Sally

Dear Sally,

One thing I've always known I can never tell lovelorn teens is, "Aw, don't worry, you won't even remember this guy's name when you're a grownup!" Now that they've seen your letter, I really can't.

Anyway. If you ask Dr. Nancy Kalish, she'd probably say that what you've got going on is part fact, part fantasy. Fact, because yeah, how often do bonds endure from our flightiest time of life? Fantasy, because you and D. have never actually had a RELATIONSHIPrelationship. Whether you're in touch with him or not, thoughts of him inflate all those pure, intense teen-dreamy feelings -- especially when they're the water wings floating you through a tepid marriage. You're right, you don't know what it would be like to be TOGETHERtogether as grownups. Right now, you're making it up.

Which is fine. It's the best you'll ever be able to do, really. If you think about it, you won't even KNOWknow if you do divorce your husband. When does any of us, other than clairvoyants and anyone who saw the trailer of "What Lies Beneath," truly know how something is going to turn out?

Even The One, since you asked, is not a fixed person whom you'll either meet or not if you get on the right subway at the right time. Remember this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: "The One is the one about whom you say, 'This one.'" Heck, with this guy, we could construct a sound argument either way. Like: (1) He's the one because you're still pining after all this time. Vs. (2) He's not the one because all this time and you're still just pining. (Though as an aside, I don't set much store by that one, at least not in principle. Human freakiness can beat "meant to be" like scissors beat paper. People marry the wrong people, people marry for the wrong reasons, Mr./Ms. Right Under Their Nose notwithstanding. But anyway.)

Your decision, therefore, should turn not on a high-stakes gamble or a crystal ball, but on what you want. On gut feelings, not guarantees. That is: if you were to divorce your husband, it would be because you believe that your marriage is unsalvageably unhappy and your mind and heart are irretrievably elsewhere. Then, separate issue: if you were to test out a "real" relationship with D. -- if he too divorces, which is a big, key IF -- it would not be because you know what will happen, but because you know it's worth, after all these years, finding out. Let me know?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Related Breakup Girl Adventure! Breakup Girl Vs. The One

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