< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

SHOUTOUTS

For Burning with Curiosity from Lashes:

I've been in a very similar spot with easy, anonymous access to all my ex's goings-on's without me (he spent about eight hours a day in a chatroom despite his supposedly high-powered law job). I could spend literally hours watching him discuss how great his life with his new girlfriend was, and I did -- for a while. Exactly as you describe, it's that overwhelming desire just to know what he's doing; hoping to see a glimpse of something that shows he's really not better off without you.

So how did I break my addiction? First of all, the Breakup Girl Board Hoarde told me that having absolutely, positively no contact was essential to my recovery. Next, I convinced myself that I was never going to get what I was hoping for (i.e. a hint that he was miserable and wanted me back); because, even if it were true, he was never going to admit it in a public forum online. And, predictably, all I was getting was self-destructive information about how he was thriving in my absence. This made my depression over the breakup seem even worse in contrast to his happiness.

Once I realized this, I went to a friend in my company's technical support area and had him install a firewall that would ask me if I was sure I wanted to go to the chatroom every single time I refreshed the screen. It worked. It took months for me to get to the point where I truly, truly don't care anymore what he and his new girlfriend are doing. But you'll get there, even though the information superhighway is conspiring to hold you back! Good luck!

To Ms. Clean from Messy (female) Person:

In addition to what BG said, I would like to say that there is an important difference between a person who expects you to pick up his clothes from the floor, and a person who simply expects his clothes to stay on the floor, and does not particularly expect anyone to pick them up. The former is sexist. The later is simply a slob. The former is a jerk. The later is a compatibility issue.

To Jo from Crispy Critter:

Re: using exes names as e-mail passwords; I use my ex-boyfriend's name (mangled, of course) as a password, and it's been so long since I started doing this, I don't even remember it refers to him at all. So, I wouldn't freak if I found out my significant other was doing the same thing. Just be glad it isn't your mangled name he's using.

To Not a Goober from Crispy Critter:

If he still acts in reference to his ex breaking his heart, he is not ready for a realtionship! Run! I ignored what my ex said to me in the same vein; I got close, he dumped me. Now I'm the one who is seriously, seriously burned.

My ex had been engaged for five years (first red flag: a two year engagement should be the max). She dumped him, got married right away, and now has two kids. The fact that that was10 years ago, and he's still referring to the past (with the "I've had my heart broken one too many times" line) was the second big, red flag.

But I didn't know any better; thinking that being with me would be better than an unfulfilled fantasy. Wrong,wrong, wrong! If your guy is still hurt, you cannot compete with ghosts. Get out, before your heart is broken 'one too many times.' It's like an infection he'll pass on to you; and worse than a run of the mill dumping because you've been compared and found wanting to someone you cannot possibly ever compete with. A fantasy wins over reality, every time.