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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a crush on a friend who is very near and dear to me. We're really close, and I mean really close: we're first cousins. I know all about the taboo, the jokes, and the biological reasons why cousins cannot have children together. Actually, we grew up together hating each other. As little kids, we fought constantly, and I used to get him in trouble by telling his mom that he was picking on me.

Fast forward fifteen years. We lost touch in college, but now we live near each other and keep each other company. We started going to lunch together; at first out of politeness. He introduced me to his circle of friends, and so did I. We get along great, and it seems like sometimes, well, we are really close. We go out to shows and concerts, nice restaurants and movies. But more important is the quality of our relationship; we confide in each other and have supported each other through bad relationships with other people. We talk at length about relationships, religion, and life. He knows who I lost my virginity to, and I know his equally don't-tell-mom secrets.

I love hanging out with him, and I know he feels the same because he's always inviting me to do stuff. His friends think I'm attractive and charming, but he's never tried to set me up with any of them. I used to think it was because he doesn't think his friends are right for me. But lately, he's been saying un-cousinly things; like how attractive he thinks I am, and how the men will line up once I finish medical school. He looks into my eyes when I am talking, and grabs my arm when he thinks a strange guy is checking me out. Sometimes people forget or don't realize we're related (we don't look alike), so we are sometimes mistaken for a couple.

I know it was more common in the past for cousins to marry. For example, Eleanor Roosevelt was the first cousin of the President. It wasn't nearly as much of a stigma as it is now. I wonder what your opinion of this matter is? If "love sees no color lines," why should it stop at bloodlines?

I don't want to have kids with this man (I am aware of the risks of inbreeding), but I do want to see what's there without this confounding fear of social disapproval. I don't want to have sex with him...not yet anyway. I do have romantic feelings. Is that terrible? Can I act on these feelings?

-- Laura

Dear Laura,

I've observed in the past that some folks would give anything to like their boss, let alone LIKElike their boss. Same, I imagine, goes for certain people and their cousins. But that does not, in either case, mean you must act on the LIKElike.

Here's our own Auntie Belleruth: "You know, some people are still marrying cousins, believe it or not. It's not necessarily illegal and not necessarily against one's religion. But there are other problems, beyond the the 'inbreeding' thing. How distressing or disruptive would it be to your entire family to learn that you were dating or considering even more? How distressing to you, for that matter? Or him? If it's a great friendship -- as we know, a precious and rare thing -- do you want to risk losing it for something that's intriguing but iffy at best...especially if, ostensibly, you'll still be seeing him at Thanksgiving? (Which would also be way weird if you just end up sleeping together.)

Bottom line, if we're talking a about train wreck here, why heat things up? You've got a terrific friendship and crush to enjoy -- puts pink in the cheeks, sparkle in the eye. A lot of friendships like this can go in and out of juicy but controlled titillation phases over the years, and can really thrive with no one 'acting' on it. Can you consider enjoying the buzz of attraction but leave it at that?

Not that love -- or family -- are ever uncomplicated, but it is the least complicated path to take, I think. Also, it's foolish to believe that there's only one person in the world for you and he's it. There are many. Perhaps you haven't had much time for -- or interest in -- relationships, and this one just snuck up on you. In any case, you could consider this whole situation a good recipe to follow in the future: developing a friendship with a guy first can be very sexy!"

Yep, it's the family values version of what I call Chaste Co-Worker Flirtation. And you know, in my family, it's a tradition to invite non-family members to Breakup Holiday Dinners. Once you've found your non-cousin version of him, do think of your single pals.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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