< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is sort of strange and a little bit embarrassing. I'm having trouble in relationships, but not the romantic ones (well, those too, but let's not go into that here). For now I mean in the platonic ones; I can't seem to make friends.

I just don't know how to approach it. I'm in a small faculty at school, and it seems like everyone already has all the friends they need. They've already got people to eat lunch and go to the movies with and invite to their parties. But I don't!

I've tried to talk to people before/after class, and it always goes okay: no big booger in the nose, no bad puns, no comments in poor taste, kept upbeat but not annoyingly so. I mean, I like to think I'm the kind of person I would want as a friend, and I don't think anyone actively dislikes me. It's just making the transition from "person you say hi to in the hall" to "person you call when you're not doing anything Saturday."

I've tried to, you know, subtly bring up the "Hey, I'm dying to see that 'X-Men' movie" or "I was just about to go to the mall, want to come?" or whatever, but I get so nervous that it always becomes a strange, awkward moment and both parties feel as though a blundered pickup has taken place. It doesn't help that my sexual preference is fairly ambiguous according to the rumor mill probably because of moments like these.

So how do you change levels without feeling like you're asking for a date? I'm getting lonely in the big city! Thanks bunches.

-- New Kid

Dear New Kid,

Wow, this stuff is hard for grownups, too, isn't it? Especially because we are more (a) set in our ways, schedules, and social lives, and (b) wary. ("She invited me to the mall. What do you think she means?!") In your situation, I'd say there's safety in numbers. Go to department events, mediocre wine and lame cheese though they may serve. If folks "go out afterwards," tag along. Just be around -- which is what you "should" do as a new faculty member anyway -- so that (call it the Friendification Continuum) each single interaction starts to become less of a Big Deal. Cheerfully insinuate yourself into brewing (or brew pub) plans ("Did you say kayaking? Couldn't help but overhear...I'd love to try that!"). If you're feeling particularly jaunty, throw yourself a small "Meet the New Kid" party. Or heck, position yourself as the host of [insert faculty-fave Appointment Television]; it'll catch on. And you live in a "big city?" Do stuff there so that your work and social life don't have to be one and the same in the first place.

By the way, I also wonder if a teeny bit of that "blundered pickup feeling" is in your head. So what's the deal with your love life?

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Why look! Very important! There's a Big To Do with your name on it!

NEXT LETTER:
My boyfriend rules...but his ex still rules him!