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Dear Breakup Girl,

I thought that I'd hit paydirt with the latest cutie to come into my line o' sight, but ugh.... This guy's a real hottie. So hot, I thought he'd be an idiot. I was wrong. He just turned out to be a run-of-the-mill, garden variety jerk.

Unfortunately, I did not figure this out until after I accepted a date to our Homecoming Dance. So now I'm stuck going to the coolest dance of the year with some cold, unresponsive, piggish jock instead of that cute, cool, drama freak who is just my cup of tea.

Help me out here, BG! I'm seriously thinking of getting myself kidnapped or put into the witness protection program just to get out of this night of hell. With only two more weeks 'til the dance, I leave my well-being in your hands.

-- The Unwilling Dancing Queen

Dear Unwilling Dancing Queen,

See, homecoming is bigger than life! Going to the ball on the arm of a guy with the charm of a corpse seems a fate worse than death.

So here are a few rules from your super-chaperone:

1. Not all jocks are cold, unresponsive pigs. Two words: click here.

2. Not all hot guys -- or girls -- are idiots. Or jerks. Two words: David Duchovny.

3. You are not allowed to trade "up," willy-nilly, for the make/model of the week.

That said, dealbreakers have a cousin: datebreakers. The manners requirement goes both ways. Meaning: whaddaya mean, "jerk?" Has he been an actual meanie to you? If so, there's no need for you to run for Homecoming Martyr. You've still got a shot at Drama Queen, if you know what I mean!

Love,
Breakup Girl

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