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Dear Breakup Girl,

Once upon a time, my mom's fiance asked her to chose between her parents and him. Being the little dominated thing she was, she chose her parents. Thirty years later, she is still under her mom's control What bearing does this have on me? Read on, oh wise and powerful one.

My boyfriend is entirely dominated by his parents. When I started going out with him three years ago, this was not the case. He at least tried to rebel against them a little and fought with them all the time. Now all he wants to do is be like them, be with them, blah blah blah. We live really far away for most of the year at school, but it just makes him want to spend more time with them when we're home.

His dad is in management at a major car company and will be retiring soon. My boyfriend got a job there this summer. He gets home at six and has to be in bed by nine. That job will be the most important thing in his life from now until he dies.

That's just the beginning. His parents have saved all their money. They are millionaires living in a house little bigger than mine with threadbare furniture. My boyfriend never had any toys as a kid. He doesn't really have anything now. The only nice things they really have are their cars, not surprisingly. His parents are cheap, mean, and godawful in my eyes. They offered to take us out to dinner when they visited -- and they took us to McDonald's! Please! There are tons of nice restaurants around here and the golden arches isn't one of them; it is the cheapest, though. I haven't had any good food in days thanks to them and our lovely school cafeteria.

They only allow him to spend $50 a week. This will not change. That won't even pay for groceries. He is not allowed to buy a house until he is in management at the company (like they did). He's not allowed to buy a car. (He'll inherit his grandma's car if she ever dies and that thing is a junker.) He (and we, if I marry him) are not allowed ever to even think about going on vacation because it costs too much (I'm going on my own with a few friends. If I can save the money -- anybody can. But they think you shouldn't save money to spend it; you should save money to die with it for some reason. Isn't this all so stupid?)

The vacation thing really got to me, because those are some of the fondest memories of my childhood. My parents never had much money, but that didn't stop them from having a house, cars (we actually own them rather than leasing), going on vacation, and buying me toys. Oh, they also don't want their grandchildren to have toys and that would not be in our budget. Ugh.

I love my boyfriend very much but do not want to live the way his parents do. Maybe they're happy, but I wouldn't be. I want to be able to buy my kids stuff if I ever have any. I want to go to Vegas to see the arcades and ride roller coasters and play claw machines. When I have the money, I want a house with a nice back yard, pool, and Jacuzzi. When I have even more money (retirement I'm thinking), I want a house on the water somewhere. That's my dream. I'm going to have a good job some day, and I don't want to live like a pauper! I want my kids to have the same advantages I did, and not just in having stuff. When public school went downhill, my parents paid for me to go to private school. I'm going to a great college, and I'm not expected to pay them back for it. (He is.)

So, I know there's a point at which I have to make him chose between their way of life and my own. I've tried to compromise with him, but no can do, he loves his mommy too much. It's all so insane. He felt majorly guilty about spending $25 on a Nintendo 64 in a pawn shop. It's brand new and works great. Did he feel guilty because it might have been stolen? No. Of course not. Rather, because his mommy says he shouldn't play video games or spend money. Augh! I'm losing my mind! What do I do?

-- Lulu Bell

Dear Lulu Bell,

Well! Looks like you've got yourself an American make of one of those worrisome Italian "mammoni." Only it's both parents, and you don't even get to be in Italy. Triple whammy.

Here's our own Belleruth's $0.02. "You say, 'I have to make him choose between their way of life and my own.' Hmm, no. That's not where your focus should be, and it's probably not possible in the first place. What's 'wrong' with him and them is, strictly speaking, not your business. Your business is deciding whether or not to be with him without trying to change him. I know he did try to rebel, but alas, it seems that -- through no wrong- or lack-of-doing of your own -- you've...already lost that battle. Lulu, I'm sorry, but he has already chosen them. Not that you're not in his picture, but you're in it on their terms. So again -- and this is easy for me to say, I know -- you've actually got choose between life with a boyfriend who loves his parents and wants to be just like them, or...life without this boyfriend."

Hey! A life that could offer many, many other things that you really really want, Lulu! This is not about money as in, like, lire; this is about lifestyles. Goals. Freedoms, psychological and otherwise. Visions for your future that you're entitled to have. 'Cause will inherit this family business, if you know what I mean. And perhaps a lifetime of power struggles, with no guarantees that you'll be able to keep those things in your, um, claw.

Belleruth adds another thing to consider: "If do you leave, you'd want to make sure that the next guy's not going to be a replay of the exact same game. Many of us tend to marry our mothers and their unresolved issues (though that's not always such a bad thing -- many of us have pretty okay mothers!). But do look within before you start looking around."

So Lulu, make the choice you think you need to; go ahead and take yourself on vacation if you need to. Just maybe not to Italy.

Love,
Belleruth and Breakup Girl

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