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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm seeing this girl right now who is easily the best girl I've ever met. We have more potential than I've had with anybody, and it's forcing me to deal with problems I didn't realize I had. I've always been an underachieving perfectionist, like if I can't do a job perfectly, then why bother trying at all, you know? I managed to overcome a lot of that with my schoolwork and my job, trying hard and accepting that it's okay if I'm not the best. But with relationships, this problem has really stuck with me. This girl, I'll call her Lucia, is basically offering me something I only dreamed I could have: a relationship with mutual attraction, mutual respect, great conversation, and a ton of fun. And I cheated on her.

The person I hooked up with wasn't important. I know my cheating was entirely about my relationship with Lucia. Basically, I'm a relationship perfectionist. I want to be the perfect boyfriend, who doesn't show fear because he doesn't feel fear. But when I feel fear and doubt about the relationship creeping in, I feel guilty and anxious and think, "If I can't be the perfect boyfriend, why bother trying at all?" Then, I feel this urge to cheat. This cheating can be demonstrated either by escaping into pornography or by actual cheating, but they're the same thing: running away from the relationship out of fear that I'm not perfect enough. I still want Lucia so badly, and I want things to work out between us.

At the moment, we're "just friends." I want to keep us in a holding pattern while I get myself in order and trust myself to be vulnerable before I hurt her next time. Maybe then I could ask her to trust me again. I realize somebody as great as Lucia isn't going to be single for long, and I've accepted the possibility that I may lose her for good as a result of all this, but I need to get myself straight before I ask her to take another chance on me.

Do you have any tips or methods on how I can accept that it's okay not to be the perfect boyfriend all the time? I'm sick of feeling all this guilt when I feel like I've messed up a tiny bit, because it's that guilt that makes me mess up in a big way. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

-- Mike

Dear Mike,

Whoa, whoa, whoa. As any New England weather forecaster can tell you, "perfect" can be deadly. Self-defeating, at best -- as you're starting to realize -- because perfectionism sets you up with impossibly high standards and ineffective ways to reach them (say, not having that relationship).

According to our own Belleruth -- since you are so "ripe and motivated for change" -- you are, well, a perfect candidate for a cool guy therapist who can help you talk yourself down from that untenable place and into a life of with fabulous flaws and new flavors of success.

She adds: "But, being a perfectionist, you should not wait 'til you're 'perfectly shrunk' to give it another try with Lucia! You know what you have to do, and I recommend you get cracking before she wearies of hanging around. You should give it another try right now. In fact, maybe The Guy at the End of the Bar is the perfect guy to motivate you."

Love,
Belleruth and Breakup Girl

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