< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I'm a shallow bastard. I've been with my wife for five years, we've been married for three of them, and the problem I'm having is WEIGHT-related. It seems that ever since we got married, she started gaining serious weight, which has put me face to face with a great, moral dilemma.

Let me begin by saying that I love my wife -- it's lust where I have the problem. Five years ago, the first thing I noticed about her (from a distance) was her body, and what a body it was. She was driving all the men crazy, including me. It definitely pushed me to speak to her. Once I got to know her, I realized she and I were remarkably alike. I mean exactly. I am a go-getter who strives to succeed in my career, and so was she. I liked to exercise frequently (I still do) and so did she. We would watch what we ate. We watched the same movies, loved to have talks, and loved take walks. And we had lots and lots of sex.

Basically, we were two independent individuals who had our own lives and dreams, who loved to share them with each other. Needless to say, we fell deeply in love. We worshipped each other.

Isn't it amazing how things can change? Now, her hobbies are me, the couch, and the television. Thank God she works. I have to give credit where credit is due. She pays the bills, and I do the budget. She goes grocery shopping and loves to cook for me, but those are all things I can do and did do for myself. Marriage is much more than that.

She doesn't seem to care about her dreams anymore. And now, since she "has her man," sure, she'll take that third box of bonbons, and she'll stop going to the gym, and she'll eat that entire block of cheese while watching that 24 hour "Real World" marathon. Besides, she doesn't need to impress anyone anymore -- she's already married now. What about me? Don't I count?

Am I a shallow bastard? I've been watching what I eat and exercising. All of her friends tell her she's married to a hot man, so I must be doing something right, right? (And believe me...I have the fat gene. If I stop exercising I gain weight, quickly.)

When I say she gained a lot of weight, I mean she gained A LOT, A LOT, A LOT OF WEIGHT. I feel bad because I don't have the physical "hots" for her anymore, like she does for me. I'm actually turned off. Since I love her, it shouldn't matter, right? I keep telling myself that, but I mustn't be listening. She's not sick; she doesn't have a disease that would cause her to gain weight; she doesn't seem to be depressed. It appears to me that her massive weight gain is a symptom of her thought pattern...of her priorities. I feel like I am not one of her priorities. I feel like life is passing me by, and I'm being taken advantage of. I don't get it.

The worst part is that now I have wandering eyes. I work with many beautiful women, some of whom would love to give me the sex I'm not getting at home, but I always decline. I'm a gentleman who's happily married, or so I say. I already talked to her a couple of times, but nothing seems to work. She also knows how to play that "guilt" card, and she has that "there-are-certain-things-you-don't-say-to-a-lady" card down pat. I've always been polite. What should I do?

-- Mr. Shallow

Dear Mr. Shallow,

Are you shallow? Well, if you had written , "Dear Breakup Girl, I married my otherwise boring wife, with whom I have nothing in common, only for her conventionally attractive body. Now she has really 'let herself go.' But I don't want to let her go because she is extremely wealthy," that would be one thing. But you did say the magic words: "I feel like I am not one of her priorities," so I'm willing to deal (unless you said that just to get me to answer you, in which case you'd be really shallow).

What distinction am I making? Well, if I may benefittingly-of-the-doubt recast your somewhat deeper point, the weight she has gained -- or, more to the point, the behaviors that may have led to it -- is indicative of what you feel your relationship has lost.. All that active stuff you enjoyed together; all that stuff you had in common. Right? (You'd better at least nod along, 'cause remember, if what you really meant was "staying thin for me at all costs is not one of my trophy wife's priorities," then our deal's off.)

If that's the case, I do understand. Truly. My suggestions: (1) spend less time inventorying bonbons (at home) and cupcakes (at work), (2) take an entire block of hints from Hoping and Waiting, and (3) maybe try to motivate the Mrs. to recreate some of the fitness fun of yesteryear. "Hey, how about we take some walks together every so often?" is something you can say to a lady. Neither easy nor magic, but moving things in that direction (or at all) might also serve to reestablish some of the, I don't know, talking and stuff, just hanging out, that you used to do. Which, platonic as it sounds, is definitely the energy drink for "other" kinds of intimacy.

Beyond that, if you can say that the weight is a symptom, then get at the cause. "Are you happy? You know, I miss certain things about the way things used to be -- can we talk about getting them back, or at least taking things in a new direction now? Oh, and let's talk about those dreams you seem to have deferred. Why? Can I help?" are all things you can -- should -- say to the lady you married. (Maybe in front of a pro, if you like.)

If you're willing. Final check: if at the end of the day, all this really is about "she's fat, I'm turned off, nothing I can do on my end to change that, end of story," well, you're entitled. But marriage is much more than that. So in that case, you would no longer be entitled to her cooking and banking services.

And by the way, this is not something she is doing to you, Mr., so you should get over that. I also understand full well that you are "hot" and desirable. Okay, okay.

Bottom line, Mr. S., you need to be as committed to working this out -- the deep-tissue, relationship part -- as vigorously as you work out. And as vigorously as you expect her to. That's what'll get you the trophy.

Let me know what happens?

Love,
Breakup Girl

NEXT LETTER:
"Is there hope for a no-bull, straightforward kind of girl in this crazy world?"