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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm seeing this girl -- potentially the most wonderful girl in the whole wide world. It's one of those scenarios that began with a very minor level of physical attraction, a very high level of emotional/intellectual discourse. We were entirely platonic friends prior to the mutual epiphany that led to the aforementioned dating scenario. So, one day it's discussed, and wham -- we're dating.

Now, I have some "background" information on this girl's love life: she tends to take things fast, get nervous, and then withdraw. So I had vowed to myself that I wouldn't allow my behavior to accelerate the relationship beyond a "healthy" developmental process.

So for four days, everything is fine. Only I catch a glimpse of my heart trying to landslide while I'm not looking. I see her almost every day, and every time I see her I get a little bit more, well, soppy. Dream come true? No. This is a violation of stage-one relationship dynamics, wherein some attraction/repulsion is "supposed" to occur -- not just attraction. So the same day I'm pondering this, I receive the infamous line: "We need to talk."

All-righty. All-ready. I prep myself. My gut twists up. Fight-or-flight kicks in. I find myself on my couch wondering what the hell my game plan is. I even call my mother.

We deduce this: this girl is feeling the uncomfortable closeness a bit more acutely than I am. I figure she'll say something along the lines of, "This isn't comfortable for me anymore...we need to tone this down...," and I even come up with suggestions: we can set times and dates, see each other just a couple times a week, go out more to take the weight of hanging out in someone's house -- that domestic quality hanging in the air -- off our shoulders.

So when she brings it up, I greet her with enthuiasm and agreement: "I was feeling the same way! Whaddaya think of these ideas?" She seems interested, a bit surprised, but somewhat enthused. We outline a game plan. I'm like, "Great." So I figure, tone down some of the physical affection things -- holding hands is great, but if you do it all the time, you feel married after a certain point. Don't always react to her like she's the gravitational center of all cuddling, inevitably sucking my head to her shoulder. Little things.

So. I've seen her once since this conversation, and the atmosphere was...weird. I tried to initiate conversation, and she just wasn't having any. So I'm like, "Hmm...so being 'more comfortable' means I sit here, five feet away from you, pretending you're not in the room?"

I really care about this woman, and I sense potential in the air like static electricity...but while I'm doing this enforced distance thing, I feel...funny. Like we're less friends now than we were when we started. I didn't used to hesitate about running my hand through her hair, or running at her to give her a big giant hug -- that was all par for the friendly course. Now, I find myself second-guessing my every move.

For once, I've got the cojones to do something -- but along with those cojones comes the concern that I'm going to lose this friendship. I would rather not date her at all knowing that I could continue to feel the way I do and demonstrate those feelings, as a friend. She gave me 100% benefit of the doubt when she felt things were too close; rather than taking off, calling it quits, which is very easy for a girl like this to do, she talked to me. She allowed a possibility for problem resolution -- and that has set a beautiful precedent, but I can't go "Well, darling, things were much more comfortable when we were 'just friends.', so let's go back to what works, eh?"

My heart wells up when I think about her, but it whimpers when I see her and I can't react even in friendship to my own desires. This whole thing is eight days old, and moving slowly at this point. I want to give it the chance to blossom into what could be the most incredible mosaic...but not at the cost of never being close to her again, even as a friend. One more bit here: she has a history of cutting off short flings and then not seeing those people again. In the event of a committed or more emotionally involved relationship, she has a track record of maintaining strong friendships. So, it's not completely impossible that we could do both. Give it a shot, and end up good friends if it doesn't work out, but...whew. How do you think I should proceed, or not proceed? Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-- Confused and/or Elated Male

Dear Confused and/or Elated Male,

Hah, not so much "more comfortable," right? Oh, kiddo. You guys are caught up in some turbo titration -- which wasn't really ever your idea, was it? And frankly, we're not even 100% sure that it was hers either, are we? Frankly, as admirable/adorable as your mother-approved "We'll Go Into This With a Game Plan" game plan was, I'm not sure that this girlie was even able to put the "we" in "we've gotta talk." I know she agreed to your terms, but they may have offered the path of least resistance.

So. I hesitate to recommend that you revisit The Talk, as two Relationship Conversations in as many weeks could border on Overcommunication. But since the talk (or, the running-start hug) isn't really walking, I'd bring it up again. Without having solved the problem ahead of time. As in: "You know those ideas I had? The ones that seemed like good ones at the time? They're kind of weirding me out in practice, I have to say. What do you think? And what did you think back then, while we're at it?" See what she says. Really.

(Though, okay -- here are my tidbits of nitty gritty guidance: If you want to maintain some distance, stick with the number-of-DATEdates/week limit, not that weird hands-off rule.)

Those are my practical suggestions. My neurological one is this: Allow yourself to love and feel and head-over-heel for her. Allow yourself to try and make sound judgment calls. But try to allow yourself not to take to heart every nanomovement, every microrumination, every itty bitty speculation. You're driving yourself batty. Try to think of all the "I could" and "she mights" as the stars in your eyes, not requirements on your actions. In fact, if anything, what she might be shying away from -- and this is not your Fault -- is the crazy swirly rattling spinning GOTTA GET THIS RIGHT thing your head is doing whether or not it's anywhere near her shoulder. Try to enjoy. Let her be a Tiler if she needs to, and those mosaic pieces will fall into place where they should.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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