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Dear Breakup Girl,

Rob and I had been friends all through high school. We got involved last summer, and we've been in a long distance relationship for the past year. We have a good relationship: pretty stable, lots of stuff to talk about, etc. A few weeks ago, however, I was away for the weekend and met this girl Anna, and -- boom! -- instant chemistry. Being something of an introvert, I'd never had much luck in the past with the flirtation-what's your number-first date-passionate romance route; all my relationships so far have grown out of long-standing friendships and have been very planned-out, unspontaneous things. Somehow, with Anna, the whole flirtation thing went well, and it was just an unbelievable rush. We ended up hooking up before the end of the weekend.

Well, I told Rob what happened, we had the requisite fights, we got over it, we moved on. Things have been getting rather commitment-y between us lately. He wants a long-term relationship. Frankly, I don't. I tell myself I do, but really, I want to have a fling. I don't even necessarily want it to be with Anna; I just want to experience that same rush again.

But here's the thing: I recognize that novelty gets old fast. I recognize that eventually, I'm not just going to want to flirt and have flings. And I feel like when that happens, I'm going to want Rob back. He really is an incredible catch, maybe a once-in-a-lifetime find, and we have a great relationship. I know that someday I'm going to want a stable relationship, and then I'll be kicking myself for giving this one up.

And aside from that, there's the fear of being the bad guy. After reading page after page of letters from people whose boyfriend ran off with some chick, can I really deal with being the Boyfriend Who Ran Off With Some Chick? That's not allowed, is it? Alas, an open relationship isn't really an option. He is vehemently monogamous, and I know from experience that I don't deal well with multiple relationships. So it really is an either/or situation.

So... practical advice, ethical advice, strategic advice, anything? Would breaking up with Rob be justifiable? Would staying with him, under these circumstances, be justifiable? How should I deal with this?

--Moonmoose

Dear Moonmoose,

Ooh, are you Orlando? No wait, you are a boy. But there is a mixture in you, one inclination being uppermost and then the other, that makes your next move difficult to determine.

On the one hand, it's possible that your Anna-scapade shows that you've got more than one breech-clad leg out of this thing with Rob. I mean, you said you want out. All those "reasons" to stay ("But I'll never find anyone like him!" "I don't want to hurt him!") can be construed as your brain finding an articulate way to say "Breaking up SUCKS!" Arguably, they're feelings, not facts. Staying with Rob to "do the right thing" ... isn't. Staying with Rob (mostly) against your will might be "justifiable," but it won't be fun or sincere, and you'll thus lose each other anyway.

On the other hand, it's possible that your heart is, on a mature day, totally with Rob, and the Anna-scapade is your body finding a less innocent way to mime "Long distance relationships are HARD!" and "Commitment is SCARY!"

So -- acknowledging that these issues inhabit a verrry gray area of one's own -- which rings truer? You tell me. And then let us know who gets your next love letter.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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