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Dear Breakup Girl,

Is a prenuptial agreement a demonstration of a lack of commitment? My boyfriend has just announced that he would not get married without one. Mind you, we are not engaged, but I can't think why to continue dating since to me, a pre-nup signals a divorce in the making.

--Justine

Dear Justine,

I know that a prenuptial agreement seems to have all the romance of a...prenuptial agreement. But under certain specific circumstances, they can make legal, financial, and even (for lack of a better word) interpersonal sense.

We are talking certain circumstances, though.* See, states have [widely varying] default rules that determine what happens in the event of you-know-what; the job of a prenup is to acknowledge that -- and determine precisely how -- a particular couple's situation should be handled differently from the existing default. A lawyer can help suss all this out in the first place.

So can a superhero, though my attorney-at-love has advised me to advise you that none of this is actual legal advice.

So let's see. Is he Prince William? Does he have inheritance-bound kids from a previous marriage? Would you be left hungry without the bacon he brings home? Is one of you an MBA or MD (your worth on the job market and/or your practice could count as marital property)? Is one of you paying the rent on the garret while the other writes the Great Unfinished American Novel? Does either of you have a share in the family business? Could you — in your darkest don't-want-to-think-about it imaginings – imagine that the task of dividing your assets equitably (vs. "equally") in the event of (yes, yes, God forbid) a divorce would be an unholy mess that would add insult to alimony? In such cases, there's something — something — to be said for taking steps to eliminate that uncertainty, having some tricky-but-worthwhile financial discussions, getting it all in writing, chalking it up to responsible "Phew, if we can handle something that uncomfortable, we can handle anything" planning -- and then getting on with the fun part.

Strange as this may sound, then, if he's serious about a marriage, he's gotta be serious about this prenup. Serious reasons, serious intentions, serious plans to (when warranted) actually call a lawyer and get this party started. In its own way, that would actually demonstrate commitment.

So find out what his reasoning would be, maybe run it by a lawyer yourself, and then consider: Does this strike you as an unfamiliar/unpleasant but legit project -- or a wad of red tape he might toss to avoid getting tangled up in something blue? Listen to what your inner barrister whispers in your ear, and I think you'll eventually be able to calculate this relationship's net worth.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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