     |
| June 26, 2000 CONTINUED |
e-mail to a friend in need
|
|||
|
<
PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER > Dear Breakup Girl, Did you catch the repeat of The Simpsons where Marge gets all hot and bothered thinking about Mel Gibson and then starts making out with Homer? Homer asks: "Are you thinking about me or Mel Gibson?" Marge answers (none too convincingly): "Of course! You are thinking about me, right?" Homer replies, "I am now!" Well, Homer's behavior -- thinking of someone else -- that's something that a lot of chics write off as a given: typical male fantasy, keeps things fresh. Not as fresh as role playing (at least that's a bit more mutual, and therefore more fun). Anyway, what about when a woman does the fantasizing? And we're not talking about a matinee idol. We're talking my ex. He's was a scoundrel. I have no more illusions about that. But our sex life was something. Tender, reciprocating, creative, etc. And while my current boyfriend is energetic, he just doesn't bring out the same passions in me. I am not looking to replicate the past and, frankly, I thought I was happy with my boyfriend in that regard until one night after a lengthy but not particularly heated session I fell asleep, started dreaming of my ex, and then put the moves on my current. He didn't protest, natch, although he did pick up on the fact that I was sleeping uneasily, which I now realize was just me sleeptalking -- well, not exactly "talking," if you get my drift -- about el exo. Argh, I feel a bit guilty 1) that I was thinking of my ex, and 2) that I acted on that moment. I mean, I soon realized whom I was actually with and wasn't completely deluded the entire time, but I do know that for a short while I pushed my current man's identity away just to keep alive whatever vibe had stirred in me. Think I should keep doing this? Is this an indicator of something else wrong between us? I know if the tables were turned (and they probably have been) that'd bruise my self esteem a bit. Or maybe this is a good thing? Maybe recalling the way my ex was in bed will help me get (i.e. "teach") my current man to be as giving? It's not that I want him to touch me like my ex because of my ex: he should touch me in the way I liked to be touched, which just happened to be the way my ex did. Okay. I sound like a freak.
D'oh! But listen, you are totally not a freak, unless your ex is Mr. Burns. Our own Belleruth concurs. "You are impressively self-aware and intelligently reflective. And yes, people do this a lot and it's certainly not necessarily evidence of a pathological undercurrent or a crappy relationship. Which is also why confessing to your current guy would be mean and unnecessary. What to do? Maybe sometimes, the exact opposite of the Marge/Mel thing. Maybe make (a) love while making (b) deep intense eye contact the whole time -- no mistaking whom you're with then! -- and your real love for the anti-scoundrel may even help fill in the gap you describe. In any case, it could provide a reassuring contrast to the fantasy stuff ... which really is okay. Especially given what you say at the end of your letter about the way you 'like to be touched.' This way, you can -- lovingly -- teach this guy some tricks of your trade. And by remembering this important distinction that you yourself have made, you can try and cut yourself some slack." Even when your mind cuts to a vision of your ex. Or Jacques. Love, |
||||
|
||||
Dear Ooh Yes,
  
|
