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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a grown woman who owns her own condo. My ex-boyfriend's mom and brother live in my building, and he visits them often. Even though it's been several years since we were together, his physical presence in my neighborhood drives me crazy. Every time I walk to the mailbox, drive out of the garage or take a walk, I am afraid I'll run into him. (Who wants their ex to see them with no make-up, bad hair, and in PJ's?) The element of surprise -- never knowing when he might be there -- is a constant reminder of him. I don't want to see him or know what's going on in his life, but it's been hard for me to move on because he just won't go away. I've thought of moving, but it's too costly and I love my house. I don't want to talk with him because he would consider it my problem. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Any advice?

--Confused

Dear Confused,

I was going to say "'Several years,' and you're still wearing makeup to the mailbox?"

But then again, of course you are. You said it yourself: "The element of surprise is a constant reminder." Right. And by definition, the element of surprise (permanent) is there (as his mother no doubt reminds him) more often than he is. At this point, Confused, you're squinting through the peephole at fear itself.

Which is why my recommendation is not to flee (as I suggested to Deborah), but rather to face. Powdered and coiffed, if that would help. But no matter what: Don't get the hell outta Dodge, just stop dodging. Walk out the door and assume that you will see him. And that when you do, you will deal. Of course you don't want to. But really: all you have to do is exchange pleasantries and go on your merry way. Thinking, "Okay, deep breath, that was less than delightful, but I'm still here -- and I notice that the Actual Sighting has broken the spell of the larger-than-life buildup. Phew. But not that I won't still wear pearls to get the paper."

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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