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SHOUTOUTS

To Jack (All Trades Variety) from Chelle:

You're tempted to reveal your passion to your engaged girl-bud because "it might lend some perspective to her relationships"? C'mon, now, be honest. Aren't you really hoping that if you confess, she'll go all Daphne on you and sigh, "Oh, Jack, I've longed to hear you say those words for years -- thank goodness you said something before I made a terrible mistake!" ?

There's nothing wrong with wishing for an outcome like that, and it's possible that it might come true. But there's an equally good chance that you'll wind up like Julia Roberts at her best friend's wedding: red-faced, still single -- and possibly minus a best friend. The dynamic of a male-female friendship changes once one person develops romantic feelings, and if your pal doesn't share that passion, she may feel awkward hanging out with you once she knows she's unwittingly making you weak in the knees.

So, Jack, this is an all-or-nothing situation. If you truly believe she's The One for you, and if -- regardless of the consequences -- you'll be forever regretful if she marries someone else without knowing how you feel, then screw your courage to the sticking place, make your bold confession, and the best of luck to you. But if you think this may be just a passing fancy (perhaps motivated by her attached state vs. your single one?), or if you'd rather live without her love than her friendship, keep your secret to yourself. Unrequited love fades, but best friends are hard to come by.

And from Lily:

Take what you will from my experience (so far): I was engaged for three years to a wonderful man about whom I was not 100% passionate but who was way too good to let go. Two years into the relationship, my best friend sucked it up and confessed that he had been holding a torch for me since we had met (one year before I started dating my fiancé) and had been on the verge of telling me before I met my fiancÈ but decided to step back and let me live my own life, sans interference. He wasn't trying to be difficult or trying to throw a wrench into my engaged person's life when he confessed -- I asked him to explain why he had become so unavailable to me as a friend, and he realized that we knew each other too well to tell me anything less than the full truth without it seeming fishy to me. So he explained what his feelings were without pressure and left it at that, leaving me alone to process that information and deal with it OR NOT. He made it clear that he was available to talk if I wanted, but made no further mention of it until I was ready. He remained my friend, which was the best thing I could have hoped for at the time.

Yes, I am crazy about him. Yes, my fiancé and I broke up. Yes, he played some part in that breakup. No, I do not regret what has happened or resent him for the part he has played in the drama my life has become. We are not currently together as a couple -- I am only at the three month point in my breakup and still in major, serious pain. I miss my fiancé; I wonder if we made the right choice by breaking up; I am currently unable to see all the wonderful things I saw in my friend through the painful breakup stuff. But underneath it all, I still know he's amazing and that when I feel better, I might try dating him if he's still available and interested. I was missing something vital in my relationship with my ex-fiance, and I think my friend might be what was missing all along. I will just have to wait and see.

Your actions and words, should you choose to tell her, will most certainly have consequences with your relationship/friendship. Obviously, no one can tell you what they will be -- she might be ecstatic, she might say "thanks, but no thanks," she might be offended/weirded out/upset -- no one can predict. But if that's a risk you're willing to take, I can offer some small reassurance that sometimes the girl says, "Yeah, me too," right back, even if she's helpless to do anything more about it right away. Best of luck!

 
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