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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm involved in a deep, emotional affair with my former psychologist, who is married with a baby on the way. We were found out by my husband, from whom I am separated. We have both been in pretty miserable marriages and feel that we have found true, pure love in each other. In fact, we have never consummated the relationship; we have only kissed and held each other! We have told everyone involved that we will not have any contact at least until the baby is born, but we have not kept our word and have continued to communicate. I've tried to sever the relationship completely, hoping that if this were true love, then we'd be together in the end. But he is begging me not to cut him off, and to at least e-mail every day because he can't live without me! I can't bear to break his heart but don't want to live with the shame and guilt that comes with the affair. Should I continue e-mailing, since it seems pretty harmless? His wife asked me to have no contact so she can have a chance to make things work, but she has continued to be nasty towards him. I'm so torn; I want to do the right thing! HELP!

--In Love and Confused

Dear In Love and Confused,

In some cases, yes, e-mailing is Calling Lite. Like, when you're flirting, or ending something too teeny to warrant full breakup procedure.

But in this case: "Harmless?" Hardly.

If you are having an affair (I don't care how soulfully unphysical) with someone whose wife has asked you to cut off contact, then e-mailing is, according to BG law, an ipso facto NO. Not only is there a principle here, but there is a baby on the way and a potential reconciliation around the corner. Hate to sound heartless, but missing you is his problem. He made his bed; now he must sleep in it -- with his wife -- if his marriage is to have a prayer. Or, at least, if he is to have a prayer of making a relatively clean exit.

For you, ILC, the "right thing" will be to quit dealing in degrees. I understand and respect that there are sincere feelings here, I truly do. But "we have only kissed" and "it's just e-mail" are "I didn't inhale." Please try to take a step back and a big gulp of guilt- and shame-free air. He may be the doc, but you, first, must do no -- more -- harm.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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