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SHOUTOUTS

To Princess Emotional from Anonymous:

Many years ago, I got involved the way you did, at 16 (but after about 18 months, not 4, and he was actually terrifically loving and demonstrative). Here's the real deal on virginity: The "giving up" of this physical thing doesn't begin to tell the true story of what happens once you become sexually active. What a girl really "gives up" is a certain sense of completeness, confidence, and yes, a carefree spirit she had before sex. She now becomes needy for validation from the boy she's become so close to (at least in her mind), and vulnerable to perceived lovedness/non-lovedness. I'd bet money that his "coldness" didn't even enter P.E's head 'til after she had sex with him.

This is why the truth of the matter -- no matter how hard we all want to deny it -- is that sex belongs in a committed relationship between two grown adults. Once teenage girls start on a sexual path, it's nearly impossible to get off it, and they're very likely to wind up in lots of others that have nothing to do with love, and both partners deep down know it. So how about we all stop talking about "losing virginity" and call this spade a spade: It's really about "losing AUTONOMY."

BG responds: It's not automatically that way, I don't think, but your point is duly taken.

To Jill and BG from Nina:

I was married for nine years to a man who had no sexual desire for me once we married. Before marriage, it was hot, sexy fun anywhere and everywhere. After marriage, he said it was too intense and emotionally threatening for him. He, too, insisted he was not gay and, in fact, was attracted to women with whom he had no emotional attachment. He, too, said he had limited sexual experience before me with only three girlfriends and didn't start until he was 21.

We went through four years of marriage counseling, and he went through more on his own. Sometimes I waited patiently; sometimes I threatened or cajoled or retreated or stroked his ego as much as I could. All to no avail. Finally, I had to ask myself if I could live like this for the rest of my life, and the answer was no.

He was and is a great guy. I was 30 and he was 28 when we married, so I figured we got it right. He said we were soulmates, that it was fate. We had so much in common; we were like two halves of a whole, and I feel like I will never feel that way about another man ever again. Almost everyone was shocked by our divorce. But he did not want to have sex with me, and it ripped me into a million pieces, so I had to go. I hope Jill and her guy figure out a solution, whatever it is, soon. Nine years was way too long. And BG, I love your Web site; I read it every week and take hope.

BG responds: Thanks! Stay strong!

And from El Duderino:

The Buddhist in me would suggest that you take the "middle path." It means that, in this case, even with a Jack-like problem, properly compartmentalized and closely monitored, you can lead a very happy life. That's more than what I can say for most people I know, me included. It seems to me that you are slightly more concerned than he, otherwise we would be reading a letter from both of you rather than just from you. So, BG/Belleruth's suggestion that you tone down a bit of your passion might help. I also get the sense that we are occasionally all guilty of overanalyzing everything in our lives as if there's always a solution, if only you just talk/analyze enough. If anyone does understand the middle path, it would have been Robert Kincaid, for he said, "Analysis destroys wholes. Some things, magic things, are meant to stay whole. If you look at their pieces, they go away." So, go sweetie. Go enjoy your life. Quisiera ser una l·grima para nacer en tus ojos, recorrer tu mejilla y morir en tu boca.

BG responds: Only El Duderino is allowed to quote from Bridges of Madison County (unless, of course, you mean this Robert Kincaid, or this one). Plus you redeemed yourself with that beautiful Spanish quotation. BG is stumped: who said that? And what's his number?

 
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