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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a mid-30s male with a string of excellent relationships punctuated by an extremely ugly one which has left me stuck in an emotional vacuum for a few years. Since then, I've had no "proper" relationships: most dates are terminated by my becoming paralyzed with violently uncomfortable, nervous feelings, a bit like stage fright, I suppose.

Anyway. I have known a certain girl superficially for about 12 months. She's my age. About two months back, I started sensing that she might have her eyes on me — not an unpleasant feeling, but also not a very ecstatic one either. Then she made a pass at me. Whenever a girl does this I usually think, "Hey, go along and see what happens. Maybe she'll get my emotional pause button unstuck." We spent the night together, and as usual, I got the shakes, instant cold feet, and nothing happened. I switched off, become sad, and wanted to leave. But for some reason I stayed on. And, for some other very bizarre reason, instead of acting disappointed, she started talking about our long-term potential. Being a possible couple. Partnership. Even marriage! Imagine my confusion.

Maybe I'm a hopeless case, or maybe she just didn't turn me on. Whatever the case, the next day I told her, "Sorry, I backed off because I'm emotionally messed up." She answered, "Me too. But remember, you'll always have a place in my life." This made me think. A girl who is so leveled and friendly even though I'm backing off? She deserves total honesty. I came clean about my emotional worries, saying that I long for but am terrified of relationships, and that I realize no girl wants to meet these kind of hang-ups, so let's forget the whole business. She agrees, takes it fantastically well, the tension is defused, we spend hours laughing and talking, and part amicably. End of story...?

Later that week, I get a message saying she can't stop thinking about me. Now things really start to stir inside me. I am becoming seriously interested. She asks me to accompany her to a nice, big dinner party the coming weekend. Great! At the party, she even tells me that my "being honest" routine the previous week has convinced her even more that I have Mr. Right-potential! Even better!

But then, she spends the rest of the party avoiding me and flirting with other guys! And then still decides to spend the night at my place! Me, confused? Maybe. But more importantly, at the time, I am overjoyed. Finally, that night, I am sure. I want this girl! I feel so good, proud, and secure. It looks like my emotional "pause button" will be released, at last.

The next morning, she dumps me.

Now what kind of treatment is that? I can appreciate that people date, fumble around, and part if it doesn't feel right. That's normal. But why keep coming back, jerking me around by throwing in all this "Mr. Right" stuff (too much, too soon), and then run away? That is so unfair, and just throws my balance completely. Seeing as my judgment is a bit rusty nowadays, what I'd like an answer to is: What's going on here? And at which point should I have seen the danger signs?

—Han

PS. Naturally furious, I didn't speak to her after being dumped ... not 'til a week later, when I e-mailed her about the stuff she forgot at my place. Her reply? "If you think you're getting away this easily, forget it." Plus an invitation to a dinner! Man, I give up!

Dear Han,

Ever hear of beer goggles? You know, those foamy lenses that make certain people/ideas look really, really good.

Then there are Attention Goggles. You know, someone starts flirting with you, and all of a sudden they appear … different. Good different. Especially when your love life's been a dry town. Before you can think about whether or not you LIKElike this person, all these fizzy little hops begin to impair your inhibitions, your judgment, and your motor skills. As in, you don't say, "You're a cool girl and all…but I really should motor."

I think this gal made passes at a boy with those glasses. I mean, you were pretty room-temp about her to begin with — and pretty soon thereafter, downright cold. You were, as you say, "going along with it." I dare say it's not that you "couldn't" LIKElike her; it's that you actually don't / didn't LIKElike her all that much, end of story. You gave it a whirl because she was giving it up. And, to mix metaphors like a bad cocktail (eek! worse!), maybe your pause button didn't unstick with her because you got with her in order to try and unstick it. Not necessarily the kind of move that's bound to release some pent-up where-have-you-been-all-my-life torrent of true love.

But did you mess up? Not necessarily. You did a normal/hormonal thing, perhaps just for muddled reasons. Little did you know it would spill some sort of highball called Bigtime Weirdness. Yeah, you know, frankly, she sounds rather batty. Beyond anything you could cause by or blame on yourself.

Which is also why you shouldn't write her into your life story just because she's there. Yep, she jerked you around. But it could have happened to anyone. It smarts, and it sucks, but resist the urge to make it Mean Something about you and your progress/prospects. (Which is, of course, what humans do, as our eyes have built-in Meaning-colored lenses. But still.)

So decline the date and drop her stuff in the mail. It's time, now, for a little hindsight. I know the last one was bad, and recovery's been tough. But try to remember how the excellent relationships you describe looked and felt. Wait to get that heady feeling (or at least pre-feeling) first. Don't just "go along" if you're looking for more. It's up to you to say it's time to hit play.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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