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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 20-year-old mistress. The person I am lovers with isn't actually married, he only has a girlfriend, and until about two weeks ago, they had never even slept together. He (lets call him E) is also my ex-boyfriend, whom I was with for almost three years. I am otherwise single, which is just fine with me. I'm single by choice, not because I have to be. (One of my coworkers is crazy about me, and he's great, but I just want to be single right now.)

Here's the thing: I don't feel any guilt about sleeping with E, since he's the one who's cheating, not me. I mean, it's his relationship, so what do I care? However, when I told him that since he had started having sex with this girl, I didn't want to have sex with him anymore, he stopped sleeping with her so that he can continue sleeping with me. He doesn't love her (won't even call her his girlfriend), and he isn't very attracted to her (they were drunk when they had sex), but he is very attracted to me and tells me he loves me all the time.

So why aren't we together? I just don't want a boyfriend, and he doesn't want a real girlfriend either. We live about an hour away from each other, and we're both busy people, too busy to really date each other anyway. He gets lonely, though, which is why he's seeing someone. She, of course, has no idea about us, and I'm sure her feelings for E are a lot stronger than his feelings for her. I feel sorry for her, but not guilty.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with having sex with someone who is otherwise nothing more than a good friend? Should I feel guilty? I'm not the one who's cheating, but still. I honestly feel good about and totally content with our arrangement, since all my needs are being met. Am I wrong to feel this way? I can't help but think I should feel bad, and I'm surprised and confused that I don't. Pleasantly surprised. I need some advice! None of my friends know about this, because I don't think it's any of their business. What do you think?

—Guilt Free

Dear Melissa,

I dare say your friends don't know because you know they'd kick your ass. Look, if you don't want a "real" relationship right now, that's fine. But what you're doing is Not Right. It'sWrong. Sorry, no nuance. Book thrown.

So why do it? Payoff's pretty clear to me. Not only do you get all the perks you get with any average no-strings fling, but you also get all the power ("power"). From the way you describe it, every time you make that hour-long trip through Selfish Pass, you get to say to yourself, "Ex-boyfriend may have a girlfriend, but Girlfriend's still got it."

By the way, I shouldn't have to tell you that the fact that you know their relationship sucks doesn't make it "okay." Given what you say about your direct effect on her and them, it makes it worse. Especially if – ever think of this? – he's lying to you about or downplaying the deal with her so he can get extra-laid. In which case, sister, you'd be the one getting played.

But maybe I should tell you that if this really didn't bother you, you wouldn't have written. You wrote. Asking me why you don't feel bad is kind of like asking me why you're not thinking of a pink elephant.

So what's driving your guilt override? Maybe you still dig this guy enough to take what you can get. Maybe you don't dig yourself enough to think you can do better. Maybe you're trying to "prove" what a bad remorseless person you are so you won't have to try and do better. I'm not sure. Whatever it is, let's hope it gets old before you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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