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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 50 and have been in/out of relationships for eight years since divorcing. I've been lucky enough to have been involved with the kind of men I like (cowboys/ranchers), and each has been an improvement over the previous. My last major breakup was with a much younger guy (15 years) who went back to his ex. I had procrastinated over finalizing the relationship for three years because I didn't want to raise his toddlers (mine are nearly grown). Anyway, the man I'm presently involved with (nine months) is nearly 1000 miles away. He is a very decent man, crazy about me -- which is always nice -- and more age-appropriate (48). He has accepted the fact I will not move to Montana until my daughter graduates from high school in three years. He has ranches, a lifestyle I can easily envision enjoying in my old age, and two little kids (5 and 8) along with an annoying ex-wife. (Ranchers seem to procreate late in life, and I seem to attract everyone of them.)

My problem? I'm trying to be realistic and mature enough to make a reasonable decision at this stage in my life. I'm well aware that there is a very small group of men to whom I'm attracted. I want a desirable, decent man with a real ranch, great pickups, and a western lifestyle who is also crazy about me. I fully recognize how important this is to me. I'm simply not attracted to other kinds of men. (Talk about intentionally narrowing the field!)

Anyway, we make a good couple. I'm content with him, and the package helps bridge the gap since I'm not heart-stopping in love with him. I like him. We are very compatible, and I have no doubt that we would enjoy each other for the rest of our years. I think he is as close to what I want as I'll find, and that I could make the most of our relationship. Love can grow from that foundation. But I know in my gut that I don't want to raise little kids. I'm past that stage. I relish the quiet of my house, and I want to be enthused when I become a grandmother, not burned out on kids. Throw in the long distance aspect, and I have trouble being objective about the kids (and ex) i.e.: (1) Maybe the kids will be OK to raise and I can do it and (2) Maybe in a couple of years, I'll feel differently. Also, I spent many of my post-divorce years and a lot of money to get my ex out of our lives. I don't want to relive the drama he is rapidly approaching: child custody battles because he wants sole custody.

When I analyze the situation, I agonize about whether or not I'm being reasonable and realistic. But I don't want to be in denial about the kid/ex situation. Is there a point when a person needs to readjust their "must have" list? How smart am I to hold on to my dreams when I'm 50? In all honesty, I get nervous seeing other older women alone and desperate. (Throw in the "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" show with women marrying anyone for money and I wonder how stupid am I being to even be debating this.) What do you make of this situation and me? I'm so confused that I need someone to look at this objectively and give me some interpretation. I've been flip-flopping daily: some days I want to free myself to look for a man just like him without kids. The next day, I think I should grow up and accept that life is a compromise, and dreams are just dreams. Please help me; I don't think I'm unique in this situation.

-- Jeannie

Dear Jeannie,

I want your dreams to be as big as the sky out there. But here's the thing about dreams: they are also as wispy and shifting as the clouds. Which is fine: if they truly are your dreams, it doesn't matter if they're not flawless when you get them. Example: is my job perfect? No. There are new snags and stresses every day. (I am writing this column in an airport, wishing I had a weekend.) Is it my dream job? Yes. Same with relationships: yes, you round them up with certain standards and preferences in place, but the dream mate is the one you embrace as such once s/he is yours; you declare him/her biscuit-cutter perfect even as scraps of extra dough trail around the edges.

Dreams, like glaciers, also shift over time. When you're older, you do start asking different things of different people. You just do.

And the questions you're asking yourself, Jeannie, oh boy, are they legit. Who in your position wouldn't find this choice confusing? I hope you don't find this anti-helpful, but I just don't see a clear Right Thing here. I mean, it's so okay to want the sturdy pardner who's there, more than there. And it's also so okay not to want kids around for ten of the next 30 years you could have with this guy. On the one hand, your love for him could grow like prairie grass; on the other, his kids could really tromp it down for you.

As I see it, your choice is basically between a journey to Big Wheel Ranch and a return to Square One. As far as the latter is concerned, may I remind you that strictly speaking, there hasn't exactly been a drought, and there are always plenty of new places to look. Then again, realize that it's not unlikely that whomever else you meet might also come saddled with kids and exes. Still a gamble.

Bottom line, it'll be (relatively) easier for you to choose a fork if you can manage to recast your sense of what your dudes and your dreams, together, really mean. Dreams are not "just dreams." You have/get to define them. And just because you are 50 does not mean you should leave them parched and dry like Death Valley skulls. Settling with this frontiersman is not necessarily settling for; waiting for the next would not be in misty, vain hope. Again: it's a vision of sturdy companionship -- with some costs -- versus the risk and thrill of the unknown. See how you can't really go WRONGwrong? Even the latter choice sounds like a true Western.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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